Nine Tenths Full of Penguins

#This is the End....#

2011-12-14T12:37:00.000Z

I've been writing this blog with varying degrees of competence and focus since 2006. As you can see, I haven't really paid much attention to it recently and I can't see that changing.

So in the immortal words of Douglas Adams - So long and thanks for all the fish

Short Review of Limitless

2011-08-29T00:44:00.001+01:00

The pretty one from the A-Team and the Hangover films is a ubiquitous presence in modern cinema. Most outside the movie industry are not aware that a highly secretive contract was arranged in 2008 that requires Bradley Cooper to be given first refusal on all roles offered to all actors in Hollywood. Rumours that a snappily-dressed man with red horns was acting as his agent have been strenuously denied. Interestingly, this deal also includes all roles offered to female actors as Cooper is so very pretty that he can easily pass for a woman. He recently turned down the lead female role in One Day which led to the second-choice Anne Hathaway getting the nod.

All of which brings us to Limitless; a movie with a very important message. Ready kids? DRUGS ARE BAD. Especially when they make you handsome, clever, popular, talented, powerful and rich. The film's macguffin is an experimental drug that apparently enables a person to access the 90% of the brain that they don't currently use. Which is nonsense of course, there is no way we only use 10% of our brains, with the notable exception of Jedward who only use 8% between them.

Limitless is an entertaining ride, despite the rather ludicrous opening idea that Bradley Cooper is a useless loser; giving him straggly hair and dressing him drably doesn't change the fact he still looks like a movie star. There are some interesting visual flourishes (one particular fight sequence seems to have taken several cues from the magnificent hammer fight scene in Park Chan-wook's Oldboy) but the over-reliance on tired tropes like evil Russian gangsters and machiavellian businessmen is disappointing. Robert De Niro delivers his best performance for some time and Cooper has an undeniable charisma and likable presence in the lead role. However, there is something of a mixed message at work here. Limitless does go out of it's way to show the physical and mental downside of drug use but Cooper's character finishes the film revelling in the exceptional abilities that he only achieved through abusing the miracle drug in the first place.

Limitless further cements Bradley Cooper as the New Tom Cruise(tm) and the world can look forward to his starring turn in Eat Pray Love 2: The Nourishing stepping into the Julia Roberts role.

Rating ***

Bright Club Manchester

2011-08-27T13:52:00.000+01:00

Last night I had the privilege of being compere at Bright Club Manchester for the following clever bods:

Jon Pearson talking about the Mind of God
The Right side of the Bright Club Mind Hannah Mosley thinking about tattoos.
Carrie Mosley speaking about Mind over Matter and firewalking.
Engineer Kevin Brohan on reverse engineering the human brain and creepy tool-using crows.
Stand up Conor Aylward on being a therapy survivor. See more of him here.
And music from Hayley Fay and Sarah from the band Hook.

The next Bright Club Manchester is BCM9:Crossover at Nexus Art Cafe on 20th October. Then on 27th of October BCM10: The Big One will be at the Deaf Institute as part of Manchester Science Festival 2011.

Short Reviews of Source Code & Battle:Los Angeles

2011-08-19T10:21:00.000+01:00

Battle:Los Angeles (2011)
A truly horrendous film. It's a slice of badly written, poorly executed jingoistic nonsense that pitches Aaron Eckhart's squad of marines against an alien invasion in the ruins of Los Angeles. The dialogue is painful (the last line of the film is supposed to be heroic but "We already had breakfast sir" is an epic fail) and the characters are little more than stereotypical cyphers - inexperienced lieutenant, haunted long-serving NCO, innocent country boy private, tough and sassy latino female soldier. Eckhart is a much better actor than this film deserves and he does at least have the grace to look embarrassed. He should probably fire his agent after getting him this gig.
Rating: *

Source Code (2011)
Duncan Jones sidled on the scene in 2009 with the downbeat sci-fi masterpiece Moon. If that was Jones' 2001, Source Code is his Groundhog Day/Terminator mash-up. Jake Gyllenhaal plays Colter Stevens, a soldier with a mission to find a bomb hidden on a passenger train. So far so Steven Seagal. However, the twist is that Stevens is from the near future and through the magic of the eponymous MacGuffin is inhabiting the body and the last eight minutes of one of the train's passengers over and over again. The director marshals a uniformly excellent supporting cast but this is Gyllenhaal's film. Source Code is an exciting and cerebral thriller that is only slightly spoiled by the Spielberg-esque gooey ending.
Rating ****

Short Review of Rise of the Planet of the Apes 2011

2011-08-18T23:11:00.001+01:00

Oh hello blog. Long time no see.

The Planet of the Apes films perfectly illustrate the movie law of diminishing returns. The first film is an undoubted and much referenced classic, but it's sequels became increasingly ridiculous until the unnecessary Tim Burton reboot in 2001 put what seemed like the final nail in the simian coffin. Slinking in to the cinema with the somewhat unwieldy title Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Rupert Wyatt's second feature after prison-set modern classic The Escapist answers a question not many of us were asking. How did the apes take over in the first place ? And possibly, how long till Andy Serkis gets an Oscar for one of his motion-capture performances?

A plank of wood masquerading as James Franco stars as a scientist RECKLESSLY CUTTING CORNERS to try and save his father from a slow decline into Alzheimers. The film meanders gradually until Franco's super-intelligent chimpanzee Caesar has become fully grown and morphs into a stunningly motion-captured Andy Serkis creation. From this point on, the film becomes a genuinely exciting and intriguing experience as Caesar continues to grow more intelligent and increasingly aware of his fundamental difference to everyone he meets. Wyatt bravely allows Serkis/Caesar to hold centre stage and his journey from surrogate child to 'King of Apes' is funny, moving and on one notable occasion when Caesar tricks a stupid and cruel jock to come closer with a disturbingly human gesture, remarkably creepy. The film builds to a spectacular and exciting conclusion with an utterly thrilling assault on the Golden Gate Bridge by an army of liberated apes.

It would not be a surprise if this film leads to more Planet of the Apes films, if that is the case one can only hope that they continue the good work of this flawed but surprisingly high quality entry into the Apes canon.

Rating ****

9/10ths Full of Movies Part Ten. Y to Z

2011-05-08T19:43:00.000+01:00

Welcome to the tenth and final part of my entirely subjective and drawn out reflection on a decade in cinematic exploits. Click here to see Parts One to Nine.

Y is for Yam

Ewan McGregor chose to mix his noughties Alec Guiness impressons in the Star Wars prequels with the odd appearance in far more subtle fayre. In 2003 he took the role of mysterious drifter Joe in Young Adam, a bleak and downbeat film that showcased his considerable acting chops. The elder statesman of the Coppolla clan shyly offered up his odd but striking meditation on time and love Youth Without Youth (07) to somewhat mixed critical reception. While Francis Ford makes some bold choices and the source material throws up some fascinating possibilites, the film was terminally dull. Also in 2007 Russell Crowe and Christian Bale (the intensity levels on set could probably have powered Michigan for a month) starred in a remake of classic 1957 western 3:10 to Yuma. Bale was especially good in the role of disabled rancher Dan Evans and Crowe clearly revelled in the chance to play a proper bad guy. Erstwhile comedy cult leader Danny Wallace spent an extended period of time saying 'Yes' to everything and recorded the ensuing shenanigans in a book. Hollywood couldn't resist such a quirky concept and proceeded to turn it into big, shiny, sugary Jim Carrey vehicle Yes Man (08). Surprisingly, it turned out to be a rather sweet and genuinely amusing tale helped significantly by a tuned-down Carrey and a luminously quirky Zooey Deschanel.

Z is for Zoetrope

Ben Stiller lit up 2001 as a really really ridiculously good looking male model in the comic tale Zoolander. Featuring Owen Wilson as a fellow dopey supermodel and a magnificently silly turn from Will Ferrell as the dastardly Mugatu, Zoolander was riotously entertaining. From the ridiculous to the sublime with Takeshi Kitano's 2003 epic Zatoichi which was based on a series of 26 classic Japanese TV and film dramas (imagine Inspector Morse crossed with Robin Hood - with samurai swords). The film unashamedly plunders elements from the great Japanese directors of the past and is as equally comfortable with comedy slapstick as with blood spurting violence as it follows the adventures of a blind swordsman committed to helping the poor and weak. Zidane: A 21st Century Portrait (06) is a leftfield choice as the vast majority of football films are dire (When Saturday Comes, Escape to Victory, Goal, There's Only One Jimmy Grimble are best avoided). However, Portrait focuses it's attention entirely on Zinedine Zidane's performance in real time in a single game for Real Madrid as captured by 17 different cameras. With a soundtrack provided by Scottish musical wizards Mogwai, the film stands as the perfect record of the man's peerless talent and penchant for self destructive on-field misbehaviour. David Fincher has made a career out of showing the dark and often horrifying results of men's obsessions in films like Seven and Fight Club. In Zodiac (06) he explores the effect of Robert Graysmith's (an excellent Jake Gyllenhal) obsession with cracking the unsolved Zodiac killings of the late 1960s and early 1970s. Fincher expertly marshals a stellar cast and delivers a slow-burning masterpiece of modern cinema.

And that's the end. Begun back in the mists of January 2010 it has been over a year in the writing; the 9/10ths Full of Penguins review of cinema in the Noughties is finished. It's spectacularly arbitrary and almost completely useless. I've enjoyed every minute of doing it and rediscovered some great movies (and some terrible ones) along the way.

# A Soundtrack for Life#

2011-04-22T02:30:00.001+01:00

Stepping away from my customary movie fixation, I was tempted to follow Manchester blog luminary Benjamin Judge's example and partake of the the following meme/game thingymabob. Now according to him (and he should know) all the cool people did this about two years ago, which means now is my time!

Follow these instructions - if you don't God and/or the Tooth Fairy will know and look disapprovingly down upon you.
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…because you’re not!
7. Stick the soundtrack on your mp3 player and listen away during the day.

Here is my list - go and feast on the wealth of links. Why not listen to something you've never heard before? I dare you...

	Random	What It Should Be
Opening Credits:	Prayer Chain -Fifty Eight	Sigur Ros - Takk
Waking Up:	Mae – Mistakes we Knew We Were Making	Spiritualized – Do It All Over Again
First Day At School:	Starflyer 59 - Automatic	Surrogate - Surprise
Falling in Love:	William Shatner – Common People (Yes – that's right)	Camera Obscura – Lloyd, I'm Ready to be Heartbroken
Fight Song:	Dreampilots – One More Time	Def Leppard - Action
Breaking Up:	Jonsi - Hengilas	Dashboard Confessional – Thick as Thieves
Prom/Dance/Ball:	Radiohead – How to Disappear Completely (Distressingly perfect choice)	Radiohead – How to Disappear Completely (see what I mean)
Life’s OK:	Doves - Compulsion	Sufjan Stevens - Chicago
Mental Breakdown:	Levellers – Hope Street	Basement Jaxx – Where's Your Head At?
Flashback:	Grieg – Piano Concerto in A Minor	House of Pain – Jump Around
Getting Back Together:	Eric Clapton – Third Degree	The Cardigans – I Need Some Fine Wine And You, You Need to be Nicer
Birth of Child:	Kenny Rogers – Just Dropped In	Oasis – Stay Young
Wedding:	Jeans Team – Keine Melodien (You know, from the VW advert...)	Elbow - One Day Like This
Final Battle:	Oasis - Shakermaker	Bob Dylan – The Times They Are A-Changin'
Funeral Song:	Hans Zimmer – We Built Our Own World (I promise this is totally random!)	Death Cab for Cutie – I Will Follow You Into the Dark
End Credits:	Bon Voyage – Never Coming Back (Honest! I'm not cheating)	Devotchka – How it Ends

9/10ths Full of Movies Part Nine. W to X

2011-04-08T18:54:00.000+01:00

Welcome to Part Nine of my entirely subjective and drawn out reflection on a decade in cinematic exploits. Click here to see Parts One to Eight. Please do chip in with any obvious omissions or disagreements.

W is for Wallabies

Nick Park is to the movement of plasticine figures what Miyazaki is to hand drawn animation. In 2005, his favourite characters Wallace & Gromit finally made their big screen bow in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit; a film crammed with the cream of British voice acting that oozed fun and old-school creativity. I may have mentioned how good Pixar are at delivering gems to the cinematic table. Wall-E (08) failed to break that trend with it's audaciously dialogue free yet beautifully compelling opening and the cutest movie robot EVER. I may have also made reference in the past to my regard for the frankly bonkers Russian masterpiece Night Watch. Director Timur Bekmambetov made his Hollywood debut in 2008 with an adaptation of Mark Millar's graphic novel Wanted. Liberally sprinkled with stardust (Freeman, Jolie & McEvoy) it was a stylish and beautifully shot movie, but lacked the exuberant joy of his earlier Russian language films.

Micky Rourke's face is an extraordinary thing, it seems to erode faster than the years progress - almost as if he has a Dorian Gray-style portrait that works in reverse. The Wrestler(08) was a film that suited his lived-in fizzog perfectly, director Darren Aronofsky had a first stab at his Black Swan story with the tale of a faded professional wrestler that was both delicate and brutal. 2009 brought two contrasting adaptations of beloved books to mixed critical reactions. Where the Wild Things Are bottled both the spirit of Maurice Sendak's original book and the essence of childhood; as a result watching it was like reliving all the wonderful memories of long summer holidays. Zach Snyder's Watchmen on the other hand was a very different kettle of badgers; crunchingly violent, morally ambiguous and visually stunning. Adapting Alan Moore's legendary graphic novel was always going to be nigh on impossible and many directors have tried and failed in the past, but Snyder made a noble effort. While Watchmen doesn't come close to doing the novel justice, it was still a superior action movie.

X is for Xylophone

There was a paucity of films beginning with X in the Noughties which meant that writing this portion was an exercise in barrel scraping. Let's begin with the third best James Bond inspired movie series of the 2000s - xXx (02) and xXx: The Next Level (05). The hero of xXx was essentially an extreme sports version of Her Majesty's finest spy but the films were stymied in their success by two factors. Firstly, the launch of the infinitely superior Bourne franchise in the same year and secondly, that they were moronically* awful on just about every level. Bryan Singer holds a rare accolade, he is one of the few directors that has delivered a sequel that is superior to it's predecessor. X2:X-Men United (03) was an exciting and well-made comic book movie that helped open the doors to the current torrent of comic adaptations. Sadly, Singer then bailed and handed the reins to 2006's X-Men: The Last Stand to another which resulted in the law of diminishing returns reasserting itself. And finally 2008 brought something that no-one had been asking for; another X-Files film, in this case the massively underwhelming I Want to Believe. There were no aliens, just a creepy Billy Connelly pretending to be a psychic.

The tenth and final part coming soon...the end is nigh.

*I'm not sure this is an appropriate adjective, but I rather like it so it's going to stay...

Short Review of Season of the Witch (2011)

2011-03-19T20:38:00.004Z

Nicholas Cage is an enigma wrapped in a mystery with a blanket of inconsistency. He's capable of delivering a searing performance such as his extraordinary turn in the rebooted Bad Lieutenant. But then he is equally likely to appear in drivel like The Knowing or Bangkok Dangerous mumbling and bumbling like a first year drama student.

Season of the Witch falls squarely into the latter category. It tells the tale of two Crusaders who on having a conveniently sudden attack of morals; desert and attempt to return home. On their way back they are waylaid and coerced into escorting a witch to a group of specialist monks who will be able to stop the plague she has released on the country. While having reasonably high production standards, the visuals and setting are reminiscent of Monty Python and the Holy Grail (you fully expect to hear Eric Idle shouting "Bring out your dead!"). The casting of Nicholas Cage and Ron Perlman as defiantly American Crusaders would be perfectly acceptable but for the woefully scripted banter and hapless attempts at showing the camaraderie between them. Ron Perlman can do this type of thing in his sleep and still be watchable, but Cage is especially dreadful.

However, despite it's many flaws, as the film progresses it becomes more and more entertaining until it reaches a fabulously ridiculous finale. Suffice to say, it involves a race against time, cod-Latin incantations and possessed zombie ninja monks.

Rating: **

Short Review of True Grit (2010)

2011-03-15T21:37:00.001Z

True Grit is a quintessentially Coen Brothers movie. It's crammed with richly rhythmic language and is bleakly beautiful with flashes of dark humour and light whimsy.

It's also their first proper western and their second remake after the the disappointing Ladykillers. This new True Grit is a very different and arguably far superior animal to it's 1955 predecessor. Much attention was focused on Coen stalwart Jeff Bridges' performance as grizzled marshal Rooster Cogburn but 14 year old Hailee Steinfeld more than holds her own. Her depiction of the revenge-set daughter aged before her time by the murder of her father is funny, touching and remarkably assured. Matt Damon, Josh Brolin and and a wonderfully eccentric supporting cast populate a sparse and coldly beautiful landscape.

True Grit 2011-style is an excellent film but two things hold it back from greatness. Firstly, the ending feels somewhat contrived and almost un Coen-like in it's neatness. Secondly, having Jeff Bridges in a major role is a reminder of the last time he and the Coens played out; the peerless The Big Lebowski.

Rating: ****

Short Review of In The Name of The King (2008)

2011-03-13T15:25:00.003Z

Are any words less welcome in the movie lexicon than 'inspired by the video game...'? In the Name of The King is based on the role playing Dungeon Siege games. Directed in a manner completely devoid of aplomb by Uwe Boll, it's catastrophically bad. The cast is surprisingly starry with the mighty Jason Statham as the hero, Clare Forlani as his kidnapped wife, Hellboy's Ron Perlman as his mentor and a mind-boggling Burt Reynolds as the titular king. However, there is something about this film that elevates it into the fabled 'so-bad-it's-good' category; Ray Liotta's turn as evil wizard Gallian. It's a tour-de-force of epic overacting as Ray chews insanely on every piece of scenery he can get his chubby hands on.

Add in the terrible script, inept fight scenes and cut-price orcs and you have a film so hysterically bad it becomes compulsive viewing. It cost $60m and took a total of $10.3m worldwide and is widely considered to be one of the worst films ever made. Incredibly, there is a sequel on the horizon in which Dolph Lundgren plays an ex-special forces soldier thrown back in time to fulfil a prophecy. I'm not kidding.

And I can't wait to see it...

Rating *

Manchester Blog-Meetery

2011-03-08T11:37:00.001Z

If you blog in Manchester, why not bob down to Common in the Northern Quarter for the Manchester Blogmeet tonight?

Give me a good reason you say? Very well, I will give you three:

1) The opportunity to meet your fellow Internet scribblers
2) Specially made cakes
3) Free booze-beers

Look with your eyes here for more details. Blogmeet site

9/10ths Full of Movies Part Eight. U to V

2011-02-23T10:32:00.002Z

Welcome to Part Eight of my entirely subjective and drawn out reflection on a decade in cinematic exploits. Click here to see Parts One to Seven. Please do chip in with any obvious omissions or disagreements.

U is for Ukelele

It's getting hard to believe that M Night Shyamalan used to make good films. His recent output has been awful, but the noughties began with arguably his best work, the hugely underrated proto-superhero film Unbreakable(00). The actions of terrorists on the 11th September 2001 profoundly influenced the ensuing decade and it's not surprising that the movie world has been generally reluctant to mine such a recent tragedy for inspiration. There have been some exceptions to that including the appalling World Trade Center (06) by Oliver Stone (read my thoughts from 2007) and the infinitely superior United 93 from the same year. Bourne helmer Paul Greengrass told the story of United Airlines Flight 93 whose passengers and crew decided to fight back against their hijackers. United 93 is a difficult film to watch but is a captivating and heartbreaking memorial to the heroism of the passengers on the plane. In 2009 Pixar gave us the story of an old man who refuses to let his house to be demolished, so he ties helium balloons to it and floats away to have adventures with talking dogs and a pudgy boy scout. Up's audacious opening which follows the main character from his childhood through falling in love and getting married to the death of his wife is one of the most devastating emotional sequences I've ever seen in an animation. This gives rest of the film a certain poignancy that frames the laughs and the thrills perfectly.

V is for Velma

M Night Shyamalan continued his slow dive towards ignominy with The Village in 2004, the same year also saw the potentially interesting monster-mash Van Helsing mix Frankenstein, the Wolfman & Dracula with a horribly miscast Hugh Jackman to underwhelming results. Mike Leigh gave us what could have been a harrowing account of a 1950s backstreet abortionist in the magnificent Vera Drake (05). However, the powerful performances of the cast, especially a career best turn from Imelda Staunton and Leigh's celebrated realist approach make the film a defiantly human take on what is often portrayed as a black and white issue. In 2006, the Wachowski brothers released their follow up to the Matrix trilogy; a dark and stylish adaptation of Alan Moore's graphic novel V for Vendetta. As with all Moore adaptations, it can't come close to matching the complex and rich source material but the Wachowskis had a damn good go. In a post-9/11 climate pitching a movie where the central hero is a bomb-wielding terrorist is a fairly bold move. The end of the decade saw a mini rush of viking movies. Pathfinder (07) and Outlander (08) mixed native americans and entertaining aliens respectively with our Norse friends to mixed affect. However, 2010's Valhalla Rising took a different path and told the tale of a mute viking warrior in an intriguing exploration of good and evil. One Eye, a mysterious man of almost supernatural strength, escapes from his captors and throws his lot in with a group of Crusaders. What ensues is not an action movie, but a bleakly beautiful (if occasionally brutal) journey into the heart of darkness (*cliche alert*). The film is very ambiguous about One-Eye; is he just a man caught in the wrong place, or is he an instrument of vengeance on the repulsive crusaders sent to take them to hell?

Part the ninth coming soon...the end is nigh.

Short Review of Star Trek 2:The Wrath of Khan

2011-02-06T13:41:00.002Z

Star Trek 2 came out in 1982 after the first movie outing in 1979 failed to strike the balance between pure sci-fi and crowd-pleasing action adventure. Proper director Nicholas Meyer got to play with the cast before they became antiques and had the franchise's best villain to chase them around. Ricardo Montalban chews the scenery with aplomb and drenches the dialogue in his fabulous accent as the eponymous grouchy protagonist.

Rather than the frenetic screen-filling battles of JJ Abrams' Trek, Meyer gives us tense scenes more reminiscent of submarine combat. It's the sparing use and reminders of the cost of violence that raises Khan over all other Trek films. The cast get to show some range as they face the loss of new recruits and old friends alike. The easy interplay among Kirk, Spock & McCoy is funny and touching and the film also has the most imitated Shatner moment ever – KHHHHAAAAAANNNNN!

Rating ****

Short review of Ponyo

2011-01-25T19:45:00.004Z

I’ve loved Hayao Miyazaki’s exquisite anime creations since catching Princess Mononoke by chance on a damp October afternoon in 2000. I was entranced by this window into another culture’s legends. Since then I’ve watched all his films and I’m continually impressed by the creativity Studio Ghibli cram into each creation.

Ponyo is loosely based on Hans Christian Andersen’s Little Mermaid. When a fish-girl is rescued by a boy named Sosuke and christened Ponyo, she decides that she wants to become human to be with him. She escapes from her overbearing father and accidentally releases his stored magic into the ocean, endangering the entire world. This film is simply magical, especially in the sequence where Ponyo rides the rising waves from her home to Sosuke’s island which is a leaping, soaring masterpiece of hand-drawn animation. Although it's technically a kid’s film, Ponyo will delight the young and the young at heart in equal measure.

Rating ****

The King's Speech is Alright

2011-01-22T11:20:00.001Z

I have written two reviews of The King's Speech for other blogs.

The Kings Speech at the re/action blog. All long and serious like.

The King's Speech at Screen 150. All short and a bit frivolous, with a silly hand drawn picture from me.

A Duel of Directors

2011-01-16T18:47:00.000Z

There are some directors who never really break the boundaries of their chosen genre. Consider if you will the varying outputs of the Andersons. Wes Anderson rarely leaves the quirky ground he has claimed for himself in The Royal Tenenbaums, Rushmore and The Life Aquatic. Paul WS Anderson on the other hand has almost exclusively confined his output to videogame adaptations such as the Resident Evil franchise, the dire Alien vs Predator and the epic Mortal Kombat (not actually epic).

However, there are others who do bravely switch between genres and often generate quality whatever pool they are paddling in. I've chosen the four best examples of these mainstream style-hoppers and selected what I consider to be their best film in a number of categories. The winner is the director with the highest number of stars awarded. So, going toe-to-toe are Ridley Scott, Steven Spielberg, Danny Boyle and Stanley Kubrick.

Category	Scott	Spielberg	Boyle	Kubrick
Sci-fi	Blade Runner (1982) *****	Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) ****	Sunshine (2007) ****	2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) *****
Historical	Gladiator (2000) *****	Amistad (1997) ****	N/A	Barry Lyndon (1975) ****
Fantasy	Legend (1985) ***	Jurassic Park (1993) ****	N/A	N/A
Children's	N/A	E.T (1982) *****	Millions (2004) ****	N/A
True Story	White Squall (1996) ***	Munich (2005) *****	127 Hours (2010) ****	Spartacus (1960) *****
Action	Robin Hood (2010) ***	Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) *****	Trainspotting (1996) *****	N/A
Crime	Thelma & Louise (1991) *****	Catch Me If You Can (2002) ****	Shallow Grave (1994) ****	The Killing (1956) ****
Comedy	A Good Year (2006) **	1941 (1979) ***	A Life Less Ordinary (1997) ***	Dr Strangelove (1964) *****
War	Black Hawk Down (2001) ****	Saving Private Ryan (1998) *****	N/A	Full Metal Jacket (1997) *****
Horror	Alien (1979) *****	Jaws (1975) *****	28 Days Later (2002) ****	The Shining (1980) *****
Drama	Body of Lies (2008) ****	The Color Purple (1985) ****	Slumdog Millionaire (2008) *****	Lolita (1962) ****
TOTAL	37 stars	48 stars	33 stars	47 stars

Spielberg by Amir Taqi

So the victor is the mighty Spielberg (although to be honest, Kubrick managed only one star less despite having 3 fewer films in the list so it could be argued he's the better director). A purely imaginary trophy is currently winging it's way to Hollywood-land with Mr Spielberg's name badly inscribed by my own fair hands.

(In case your wondering Paul WS Anderson with Shopping, Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Resident Evil, Alien vs Predator & Death Race would have scored a paltry ten stars)

Top Ten Films of 2010 Part Two: Five to One

2011-01-04T22:27:00.002Z

Welcome to the second part of my review of 2010 in movie-land. Find Part One here. In this installment I will unveil my top five films of 2010 plus the ten worst dismissed in three words each.

5 The King's Speech
At first glance this film seems the type of Oscar-desperate snoozefest I can't stand. Intense and wordy, packed with character actors and a main character with a disability or disfigurement. It's the type of film that the Academy voters seem unable to ignore. However, the film is a well crafted, well acted and genuinely uplifting tale of the reluctant king with a stammer overcoming his shortcomings with the help of Geoffrey Rush's unconventional speech therapist.

4 Scott Pilgrim vs the World
Edgar Wright's first 'Hollywood' movie was clever, inventive, fun and unique. As a result it bombed at the cinema on both sides of the pond (let's not forget that the execrable Clash of the Titans was the 10th highest grossing film of 2010 - we should be ashamed of ourselves). However, it's insane (if imperfect) mix of stunning visuals, clever flourishes, nerd-friendly gaming references and kick-ass fight scenes should ensure it has a lasting cult appeal. This battle of the bands fight scene between the eponymous hero and the villainous Katayanagi Twins is a work of visual genius.

3 Toy Story 3
Second best kids film for adults in 2010 or the second best grown up kids film in 2010 - I'm not sure which. Either way, Pixar carried on it's golden run with the simply wonderful Toy Story 3. The last story of Buzz, Woody et al was funny, exciting and capable of making grown men cry (or at least get a lump in their throat). While it doesn't scale the emotional heights of the gorgeous Up or reach the comedy plateau of The Incredibles it's still the type of movie Dreamworks wish they could make.

2 Inception
Right, it's about dreams within dreams OK? It's not as clever as some people said it was, but it was definitely more exacting on the brain than Clash of the Titans. Christopher Nolan took a break from making Christian Bale gargle gravel in a cape to encourage Leonardo DiCaprio to look suitably haunted as dream thief extraordinaire Cobb. The supporting cast were top class (including one of the final appearances by the late Pete Postlethwaite) and the special effects were spectacular. Watch this impressive gravity defying fight scene then watch the equally impressive how-they-did-that.

1 The Secret of Kells (click here for the gorgeous trailer)
I know this choice seems willfully obscure, but it is genuinely my favourite film of 2010. Technically it was originally released in 2009 but Secret of Kells got a limited cinema release in 2010 so it counts. This animated adventure tells the story of a young monk called Brendan whose life changes for ever when he meets Aiden of Iona who is creating the magical Book of Kells. Set against the constant fear of Norse invasion this beautifully drawn fairy tale does not dwell on any religious material (The Book of Kells is probably the most famous illuminated Gospel in the world) and follows Brendan as he ventures from the safe walls of the abbey. He encounters dangers but also experiences the wonder of the forest as he meets the magical sprite Aisling and battles the fearsome Crom Cruach before facing the ultimate threat as the Vikings arrive at Kells. Directed by Tomm Moore and Nora Twomey, the film is animated in an unusual manner somewhat reminiscent of the Kells illuminations. This is technically a kids film but tackles some dark moments (the Vikings in particular are faceless, blood-drenched shadows) while holding onto a sense of fun, wonder and delight at the world that sticks with you long after the film has ended. It was rightfully nominated for Best Animated Feature at the 2010 Oscars and you should definitely seek out this little-seen gem for yourself.

Turkeys of the Year in 3 Words
Knight & Day - Lots of Teeth
Jonah Hex - Josh Hates John
Salt - Angelina Try Harder
Clash of the Titans - Giant Scorpions Suck
Burlesque - Cher Looks Old
Hot Tub Time Machine - Men Get Wet
Legion - Angels Gone Bad
Sex & The City 2 - Sand and Dresses
Skyline - All About CGI
The Wolfman - Hairy Let Down

Short Review of the Expendables

2011-01-03T21:40:00.001Z

Review of the The Expendables (Sylvester Stallone 2010)

I have always had a soft spot for 80/90's action movies. Cliffhanger, Total Recall, Die Hard and Predator are classics of the genre. They haven't aged well seeming overblown and surprisingly over-violent even to our jaded modern palate. But just when you thought the days of Timecop and Cobra were gone, Sly Stallone gave us something that no-one asked for: 2010's third elite-team-of-super-soliders movie.

It's worse than you can possibly imagine. The script is appalling, the action sequences are badly choreographed bloodthirsty nonsense and the performances from the unnervingly teak-muscled old geezers would shame a plank of 2x4 . Witness this sparkling interplay:

Arnie: “Whhyyyyy doooooon't weeee haaaave dinner”

Sly: “Sure, when?”

Arnie “Innn a thowwwwssannnnd years”

Sly: “Too soon”

I really wanted to like this film, but the wit and fun of the A-Team movie easily overshadowed the wheezing efforts of Sly, Dolph & co.

Rating *

Top Ten Films of 2010 Part One: Twelve to Six

2010-12-31T11:04:00.001Z

As movies have gently taken over the majority of this blog in 2010 I have decided to eschew my customary wider-ranging annual review with a look at the ten (ish) best and ten worst movies released this year.

12 (I did say ten-ish) Centurion
Neil Marshall took a break from films set in caves or films where Sean Pertwee suffers an agonising death to tell the story of the fate of the Ninth Legion. While by no means perfect, Centurion has a good cast, impressive visuals and Marshall's customary willingness to put his characters through painful and gory demises.

11 Splice
Or the heartwarming tale of two impossibly attractive scientists who splice human and animal DNA to create a curiously androgynous MONSTER called Dren. Directed by Vincenzo Natali who gave us the first Cube movie, Splice is a thinly veiled updating of the Frankenstein myth. However, this fairly disturbing (as the film nears its conclusion there are two unpleasant and unnerving sequences involving Dren and her 'parents') and stylish sci-fi horror effectively taps into very basic human fears. What happens when our children grow up (and turn into MONSTERS) and what are those pesky scientists REALLY up to.

10 Edge of Darkness
Lets not tiptoe around the elephant in the room. Mel Gibson is a massive arse; a sexist, racist, violent arse. However, removing the arse-elephant from the room, the best thing about this rather formulaic conspiracy/revenge story is a storming central performance from Mel Gibson. Director Martin Campbell does this type of film well and the supporting cast, particularly Ray Winstone and Danny Huston do some sterling work. But it really is Gibson's film, a reminder of why he's famous in the first place.

9 Shutter Island
Leonardo DiCaprio stars in the first of his two labyrinthine explorations of the human psyche released in 2010. While Inception took the science fiction route, Shutter Island is a psychological horror as Leo descends into the madness of a high security mental asylum. Scorsese really goes to town with the visual flourishes and the supporting cast was probably the best of any film released this year.

8 Monsters
It's not really about the GIANT OCTOPUS ALIENS. Its a road movie/romance thing - with GIANT OCTOPUS ALIENS. Read my review of Monsters on the excellent Screen 150 website

7 Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale
The best Christmas film of the last 5 years is a full-length prequel to director Jalmari Helander's superb short films Rare Exports Inc and Rare Exports: The Official Safety Instructions. They explore the Finnish myth of a Santa more likely to eat small children than give them presents. The shorts are definitely not for children full-stop and A Christmas Tale is certainly not suitable for young children or people who expect their Christmas films to be twee, syrupy nonsense. However, this darkly funny grown-up fairy tale is a proper festive treat - read my review on Screen 150.

6 Kick Ass
Written by Jonathan Ross' wife and the producer of Mean Machine (Vinnie Jones' prison soccer film) and Swept Away (starring Madonna - candidate for worst movie ever made), Kick Ass struggled to get studio backing. However, Matthew Vaughn wisely refused to tone down the violence of the comic book on which the film is based and financed it himself. What he delivered is a gloriously foul-mouthed and violent take on the superhero story. The fight scenes were brilliant, the villain (the ever-excellent Mark Strong) was properly villainous, Nicholas Cage wasn't rubbish and the Daily Mail were incensed.

Tune in for Part 2 where I will reveal my top five plus the ten worst films of 2010 will be dispatched in 3 withering words each.

Short Review of Rare Exports

2010-12-24T19:52:00.003Z

I hate Christmas films. They are almost without exception twee, syrupy nonsense drenched in false seasonal bonhomie. However, from time to time a dark gem sneaks down the chimney

Rare Exports from Finnish director Jalmari Helander is just such a beast. It acts as a prequel to two of his early short films exploring the myth of the original Santa Claus. This dark creature has little in common with the modern cuddly Santa more likely to eat a child than offer gifts. A team of miners unearth Santa and release it's horde of sinister bearded helpers. What ensues is what you'd imagine the cinematic offspring of Santa Claus the Movie and The Thing to look like.

While some of the effects are a bit ropey and the ending a tad anti-climactic, the concept and it's execution make for a deliciously dark grown up Del Toro-esque fairy tale.

Rating ****

Short Review of Monsters

2010-12-21T07:35:00.002Z

Apparently we've been invaded by GIANT OCTOPUS ALIENS. However, because its mainly in Mexico nobody really seems to care. America builds a massive wall to keep out the GIANT OCTOPUS ALIENS.

But none of that is important, what really matters is the delicate exploration of the start of a beautiful relationship. Against a backdrop of GIANT OCTOPUS ALIENS. A grouchy and cynical photographer is ordered to escort his boss' pretty daughter back to the safety of American soil. What ensues is a genuinely touching road-trip romance beautifully shot by writer, director, cinematographer and bedroom FX whiz Gareth Edwards. Despite the periodic intervention of GIANT OCTOPUS ALIENS don't see this film expecting Independence Day style pitched battles. This odd but rather wonderful film is the world's first romantic monster movie (don't talk to me about King Kong you sick puppies) henceforth to be known as the rom-mon genre.

Rating ****

Short Review of Resident Evil: Afterlife

2010-12-07T18:35:00.004Z

Review of Resident Evil Afterlife 2D

(Or Stretching Thin Concept to Silliness)

This film is the first I’ve watched in Sparkling High Definition™

The film starts with weary protagonist Alice (played with exquisite boredom by Milla Jovovich) breaking into the bad guy’s zombie-free lair. She kicks ass – then dies. But it’s OK, she’s actually lots of clones – who kick ass and then die.

When all the clones are dead she stows away on Evil Mastermind’s planeycopter (stunning in Sparkling High Definition™). While she makes a Stallonesque quip, Mastermind injects her with something that makes her turn human (keep up). They then crash in Sparkling High Definition™ into a mountain.

Despite being human now (?) Alice inexplicably survives this inferno looking lightly singed.

Alice then flies around in Sparkling High Definition™, lands on top of a prison, fights zombies in the prison then visits Mastermind’s seagoing lair. She kicks ass, Mastermind escapes in planeycopter, then he dies.

Rating: **

9/10ths Full of Movies Part Seven. S to T

2010-09-28T21:07:00.004+01:00

Welcome to Part Seven of my entirely subjective reflection on a decade in cinematic exploits. Click here to see Parts One to Six. Please do chip in with any obvious omissions or disagreements.

S is for Squirrels

Possibly the weirdest film I saw in the early noughties came from Hong Kong; it was the utterly scattershot and visually brilliant Shaolin Soccer (01). The same year saw a Japanese animation take the world by storm. Spirited Away from anime genius Hayao Miyazaki won the Oscar for best animation (the only non-english animation to do so), became one of the highest grossing films of all time and opened the world of anime to a whole new audience. 2002 brought us two very contrasting sci-fi films. First of all, George Clooney starred in Steven Soderbergh's stately remake of 1972 Russian meditation on life and death Solaris. Then the dire Star Trek 10: Nemesis nailed the franchise's movie coffin firmly shut until 2009's JJ Abrams reboot Star Trek raised it from the dead. The law of diminishing returns as applied to movie quality was admirably illustrated as the Spiderman Trilogy (02, 04 and 07) went from good to mediocre to utterly appalling over three films. The Station Agent (03) was the perfect example of a movie in which very little happens yet still manages to be utterly enthralling. The story of a isolated man who inherits a disused rail station office is beautifully played by a great cast, especially Peter Dinklage in the lead role.

Edgar Wright and the Spaced crew introduced us to a new genre of film in 2004 with the rom-zom-com Shaun of the Dead. Paul Giamatti got a rare lead role in the merlot hating Sideways (04) but was unfortunately totally upstaged by the similarly underrated Thomas Haden Church. 2005 saw two much loved franchises sign off from cinema land. George Lucas brought his turgid Star Wars prequels to a welcome end with the slightly-better-than-the-others Return of the Sith. The other was the much lower profile but far superior Serenity. Based on Buffy creator Joss Whedon's short lived sci-fi series Firefly, Serenity was everything the new Star Wars movies should have been. Sadly, most people ignored it at the cinema and only a strong DVD showing has saved it from oblivion. Danny Boyle proved his extraordinary range by delivering the incredibly beautiful Sunshine(07) and the delightful Slumdog Millionaire (08).

T is for Tumeric

Edward Norton isn't a man known for a lack of intensity. In 2002 he starred in Spike Lee's captivating 25th Hour about a man spending one last day with his friends before starting a lengthy spell in jail. In the same year, the Lord of the Rings trilogy reached it's high point with the epic Two Towers. Danny Boyle (see above comment on range) brought zombie movies kicking and screaming (literally) into the noughties in 2002 with the rage fueled 28 Days Later. Juan Carlos Fresnadilo then turned things more spectacular for the 2007 sequel 28 Weeks Later. The novel approach for taking out a field of zombies with a helicopter deserves particular mention.

The most extraordinary film of 2003 was the docu-drama Touching the Void. Combining footage of actors and talking head contributions from the two climbers involved the film told a story so incredible you could be forgiven for thinking it was made up. Joe Simpson's crawl off Siula Grande with a broken leg is still regarded as one of the most amazing mountaineering stories. While we're on the topic of mountains, Tommy Lee Jones is famous for being the third craggiest man alive today. In 2005 he directed and acted in a film almost as craggy as himself, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada. It was a western of sparse beauty and Jones also managed to coax a superb acting turn out of himself.

Tune in for Part Eight - U to V soon

Manchester Blog-Meetery

2010-09-24T18:57:00.000+01:00

Do you live in Manchester?

If yes, go to the next question...

Do you blog?

If your answer is yes, why not come along to Manchester's premier (only?) semi regular Blogmeet.

It's being held at Umbro's design studio on Dale Street which is just along from Nexus Art Cafe in Manchester City Centre.

All Manchester bloggers are welcome. Alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages will be consumed, some people will 'network' and some people will come for the friends. Everyone, I'm sure, will enjoy a natter and most people won't have read each other's blogs.

Newcomers are welcome (I certainly hope so - as I am one). Click here for more information and to RSVP.

What is a Pope to do?

2010-09-16T20:12:00.000+01:00

Bless him. Look at the frail old man waving to the crowd. Awwww - it's good that he's allowed to come out and play every now and then.

There has been lots of hand wringing about an overly secularist media attacking the Pope and his visit to Britain. And while the fact that his visit gives pleasure and spiritual support to UK Catholics is not in doubt for a moment the actions of the Vatican party are not immune to critcism.

Even before the Pope had arrived, aide Canon Walter Kaspar had caused controversy by declaring that the UK is like the Third World. The Vatican then compounded the offence of this admittedly off-hand and flippant comment by suggesting that he was referrring to the multi-cultural nature of modern Britain. The blatantly racist undertones of the defence of Kaspar seem to have gone almost completely unremarked upon in the media.

But never mind, everyone has to deal with a dodgy assistant from time to time (no doubt Benedict has an admirably arcane method of wholly inadequate punishment to hand when he gets back to Rome), let's hear from the man himself. In a speech in Edinburgh today he appeared to liken 'aggressive forms of secularism' to the ideologies of Nazi Germany. I'm aware that the media has taken a couple of lines of his address out of the overall context but the the fact is he should have known that juxtaposing the alleged secularism of modern multi-cultural Britain with the atrocities of Nazi Germany was bound to be controversial.

Considering that some of the pillars of Catholic dogma (it's views on sexuality, contraception and women ministers for example) are quite reactionary, it's ironic in the extreme to compare modern atheists to Nazis - even obliquely.

As a Christian (admittedly at the more liberal end of Anglicanism) I am getting increasingly tired of religious figures attacking those airing atheistic or secularist views. People are entitled to whatever beliefs they choose to hold, whether they be religious or not. If you are secure in your religious beliefs, you have no need to fear the opinions of those without any. However it seems that those at the more fundamentalist extremes of an ideology are more nervous and intolerant of differing philosophies.

9/10ths Full of Movies Part Six. P to R

2010-09-09T22:32:00.002+01:00

Welcome to Part Six of my entirely subjective reflection on a decade in cinematic exploits. Click here to see Parts One to Five. Please do chip in with any obvious omissions or disagreements.

P is for Pomegranate

All the way back in the dim and distant early noughties Vin Diesel was being touted as the next Sly/Arnie/Bruce style big action star. Looking back over the troughs of Babylon AD and The Pacifier (avoid) its hard to believe, but his performance in the hugely underrated and exciting Pitch Black (00) show why the comparisons were made. John Hillcoat is a director very few people have heard of, which is a shame as he made a savagely brilliant Australian 'Western' in 2005's The Proposition. Nick Cave provided the sounds and the excellent screenplay while Guy Pearce and Ray Winstone caught the eye in a starry cast for such a relatively little known film. 2006 saw a pair of superb 'P' films slink through the back door into the multiplexes like a recalcitrant teen after curfew. Christopher Nolan of Batception fame delivered possibly his worst film (that is of course relative as his worst is significantly better than 72.8% of Hollywood's best) with an intriguing tale of warring Victorian stage magicians in The Prestige. While Nolan was making a film about fake magic Guillermo del Toro brought us a story of real magic and at the same time created one of the greatest films of the last twenty-five years in the matchless Pan's Labyrinth. Two worlds collide as the adopted daughter of a cruel military officer in fascist 1940s Spain discovers a world of fairies, fauns and monsters. Make no mistake though, Pan's Labyrinth is definitely not for children with its shocking violence and genuinely unnerving sequences. However, it is astoundingly beautiful to watch, while the creature design is nothing short of genius.

Q is for Quills

Unsurprisingly, there were relatively few decent films beginning with Q over the last decade so I have to be a little creative. 2000 brought us the third best Star Trek film ( for the record - 1st is Star Trek 2: Wrath of KHAAAAAAAANNNNNN and 2nd is the rebooted JJ Abrams Star Trek) which ironically wasn't a Star Trek film at all. Galaxy Quest was a glorious spoof that captured the spirit of the Trek phenomenon better than most of the films and most of the recent series too. Alan Rickman's pissed off Alexander Dane/Dr Lazarus is exactly how I imagine Leonard Nimoy/Michael Dorn must feel most of the time. James Bournd returned for his second outing as the all new 'gritty' British super-spy in Quantum of Solace (08).

Despite being inferior to Casino Royale it was still three thousand times better than The World is Not Enough. Now that we're all used to gritty Bond I wonder sometimes if Timothy Dalton ever gets cheesed off at his Bond treatment. .REC (07) was an inspired zombies-in-an-apartment-block film which had one drawback for the moron world - it wasn't in English. So Hollywood released (within a YEAR!) a shot-for-shot remake in English called Quarantine which surprised everyone by not being dreadful. The Spanish version was definitely better though.

R is for Relativism

Talking of zombies, the last ten years have been riddled with zombie movies some of which have been excellent (28 Days Later) some of which have been awful (Flight of the Living Dead). A consistent contributee to the genre has been the Resident Evil franchise which started averagely with Resident Evil in 2002 and deflated gradually but entertainingly through RE: Apocalypse (04) and RE: Extinction (07). While we're on the topic of deflating gradually the Lord of the Rings trilogy came to a spectacular yet curiously underwhelming close with Lord of the Rings: Return of the King in 2003. Despite being endowed with at least four endings too many, it was still sad to see the end of the journey. Pixar like a challenge - bugs, monsters, superheroes, undersea environments, talking toys or talking cars - anything is worth telling a story with. 2007's Ratatouille told the story of a rat who dreams of being a gourmet chef in Paris. Huh? Sounds like a crazy idea for a film, but Pixar created an absolute delight of a movie - funny, moving and sweet without being syrupy. Très Bien. At the completely opposite end of the scale The Reader (08) is the uncompromising tale of a young German man who has an affair with an older woman who he finds out in later life may be a Nazi war criminal. Kate Winslet gives a searing performance as Hanna Schmitz and deservedly won a hatful of awards. Sadly it was also the last film worked on by Anthony Mingella and Sydney Pollack who both died before it was released.

Tune in for Part Seven - S to T soon.

The Attack of the Zombie Ants and other stories.

2010-08-18T20:36:00.000+01:00

Is there anything that does not sound cooler when the word zombie is added?

Take the following factoid - Ophiocordyceps unilateralis is a parasitic fungus found in some forests that infects ants in order to spread itself to other plants and trees.

Not that thrilling eh? Now, describe the actions of old Ophio as controlling an army of zombie ants and suddenly we're talking something much more exciting. The zombie factor of this admirably macabre story is upped in the terminal phase of this infection when the Carpenter ants do appear to lose control and latch themselves with a death grip to tree leaves in order to pass on the fungus.

This got me thinking about other things enlivened by a dash of the Undead. Rated in Brains out of 5

Big Brother meets zombies in Charlie Brooker's gleefully gory Dead Set

Flashmobbing is soooo 2007. Unless 4233 of you dress up as zombies and invade Seattle.

The philosophical concept of the Zombie (or p-zed).

"A hypothetical being that is indistinguishable from a normal human being except that it lacks conscious experience. When poked with a sharp object it does not feel any pain. While it behaves exactly as if it does feel pain (it may recoil from the stimulus, or tell us that it is in intense pain), it does not actually have the experience of pain as a putative 'normal' person does. The notion of a philosophical zombie is mainly a thought experiment used in arguments (often called zombie arguments) in the philosophy of mind, particularly arguments against forms of physicalism, such as materialism and behaviorism."

Classic Literature with added undead such as the magnificent Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Check out the book trailer for the sequel to Jane Austen & Seth Grahame-Smith's masterpiece

9/10ths Full of Movies Part Five. M to O

2010-07-24T09:40:00.015+01:00

Welcome to Part Five of my entirely subjective reflection on a decade in cinematic exploits. Click here to see Parts One to Four. Please do chip in with any obvious omissions or disagreements.

M is for Millstone

The first half of the Noughties seemed heavily weighted with films beginning with M. The decade began back to front with Christopher Nolan's reverse masterpiece Memento. Pixar made us a little less afraid of the monsters in our closet in Monsters Inc. (01). It was also notable Billy Crystal's last decent contribution to movies. In 2002 Steven Spielberg just about avoided ruining the otherwise brilliant Minority Report with a stupid mawkish ending (it really should have ended two or three minutes earlier). However, he did much better with Munich (05) coaxing a potent performance from Eric Bana in the lead role. The Noughties seemed awash with sequels and threequels that really should have been just one stronger film. The two Matrix follow-ups, Reloaded & Revolutions (03), illustrated this better than most. While both had some stunning set pieces they also had far too much fluff such as the cringeworthy underground rave scene and overly long ramblings of the Architect. In 2003 and 2004 Clint Eastwood showed just how good he is behind the camera with Mystic River and Million Dollar Baby helping us forgive his involvement in Space Cowboys. Just before he bulked up to play the rebooted Batman in 2005 Christian Bale lost 60 pounds to play the tormented insomniac Trevor Reznik in The Machinist. I've never been able to look at a game of hangman the same since...

N is for Niggles
In 2006 I unlocked the hitherto impossible scientific dream of slowing time while watching Terrence Malick's dreadful The New World. It's 90% people walking through grass looking pained, 5% noble savage cliche, 3% Pocahontas and 2% Dancing with Wolves. Despite a running time of 135 minutes, it genuinely felt like watching a five hour epic. Ray Liotta has recently become a parody of himself in several truly appalling movie and TV appearances (including Hannah Montana!) while coasting lazily through them all. However, 2002 saw his last great performance in the dark and ethically muddy Narc. Along with most of the world I lauded Jared Hess for his second directorial effort Napoleon Dynamite (04). However, in hindsight this was a mistake as I now find the film irritating and sloppy. In 2005 I took a risk and paid to see a film at the cinema about which I knew nothing at all. That film turned out to be the brilliant and bonkers Russian epic Night Watch which has since become one of my top five films. Telling the story of a supernatural cold war between the forces of good and evil, Night Watch packed in more verve and creativity than a dozen 'Hollywood' blockbusters. The best movie beginning with N in the decade (and one of the best films hands down) was the peerless No Country for Old Men (07). It was the Coen Brothers at the top of their game and especially in the scene between Chigurh and the gas station owner which is a masterpiece of humour, threat and sparse wordplay.

O is for Orangutan
As we finish N with the Coen Brothers, so we also begin O. George Clooney simultaneously played up to his pretty boy image while also putting it permanently behind him in the wonderful O Brother Where Art Thou (00). As mentioned back in February in Part Three of this series Robin Williams plays creepy very well. His portrayal of the lonely and disturbed Seymour Parrish was almost unwatchably unsettling in 2002's One Hour Photo. Despite Quentin Tarentino's output declining in quality he still has an eye for a good thing and has taken to promoting films by talented directors from all over the world. One of the first was the brutal and beautiful Old Boy(03) by Chan-wook Park which had live octupi, hammer related dental action and a twist gut-wrenching enough to leave the viewer feeling physically sick. 2003 also saw Kevin Costner spearhead the periodic attempt to make westerns popular again by directing and starring in Open Range. Sadly he was unsuccessful in that goal, although he did succeed in creating a classic character-driven Western that is all the better for its over-familiar plot devices. While we're on the subject of old school movies, 2007's The Orphanage combined chills without excessive blood spills in a story driven haunted house tale that lingers in the mind long after the film has finished.

Tune in for Part Six - P to R soon.

Bumper Movie Log

2010-07-07T00:10:00.002+01:00

Wall Street ****
Knowing *
The Secret of Moonacre ***
Daybreakers ***
A Serious Man *****
Alien 3 (Director's Cut) ***
The White Ribbon *****
Life of Brian ****
2012 **
Air Force One **
Star Runners **
Raiders of the Lost Ark *****
Star Trek ****
Cloverfield ***
Temple of Doom ****
Shutter **
The Reader *****
Demolition Man **
My Name is Bruce **
Drag Me to Hell ****
Rogue **
Body of Lies ****
Up *****
Sherlock Holmes ****
Valhalla Rising ****
Eraser **
Solomon Kane ***
Monsters & Aliens ***
Pandorum **
The Fourth Kind **
Robin Hood ***
The Objective ***
Moon *****
Alice in Wonderland ***

9/10ths Full of Movies Part Four. J to L

2010-07-06T19:14:00.017+01:00

Welcome to Part Four of my entirely subjective reflection on a decade in cinematic exploits. Click here to see Parts One to Three. Please do chip in with any obvious omissions or disagreements.

J is for Jigsaw Puzzles
Weirdly, there seemed to be a paucity of decent movies beginning with J during the Noughties. There was plenty of dross - Jackass 1-3 , Johnny English, Jersey Girl anyone? Thought not. 2001 saw Steven Spielberg returning to improbable science and large teeth with the third in the Jurassic Park series. The dinosaurs were bigger, Sam Neill was back and William H Macy (yay!) made the best of a terrible moustache. In 2005 the war movie got all confusing and two-sided in Sam Mendes' film version of Anthony Swofford's biographical account of the Gulf War Jarhead. I really wanted to like it but despite stunning cinematography it seemed to lack something important. According to women's magazine everywhere, late 2007 belonged to Diablo Cody and her all-conquering Juno. Apparently, the world was astonished that a woman who used to be a stripper was capable of stringing a few words together in a screenplay. As it happens, that screenplay turned out to be rather good and combined with excellent performances made Juno a worthy entrant into the movies of the noughties.

K is for Kaleidoscope
Looking back from the dizzying heights of Iron Man and Sherlock Holmes, it's hard to believe that Robert Downey Junior's stock used to be so low. Kiss Kiss (Bang Bang) in 2000 began the revival in many ways. It was ludicrously entertaining particularly when Val Kilmer's immensely camp Gay Perry is on screen. Tarentino split one film into two with Kill Bill Vols 1 & 2 (03 & 04)with stylish and verbose yet curiously empty results. In 2004 Stephen Chow made us laugh and whistle appreciatively at his utterly bonkers Kung Fu Hustle in which the fight scenes were astonishing, the visuals spectacular and spirit of the movie completely insane. The cartoonish chase scenes especially were reminiscent of Looney Tunes but fitted perfectly into the Hong Kong lunacy. The king of the modern epic returned to the history trough with Kingdom of Heaven (05). Ridley Scott shot the Crusade story with his customary gorgeousness but it did lack a convincing hero (Orlando Bloom - really?) and is much better in it's longer Director's Cut version. The other king to return in 2005 was Kong in Peter Jackson's punishingly lengthy retooling of King Kong. While at least an hour too long it was still a magical movie experience (Kong fighting Tyrannosaurs!!).

L is for Lemons
The Coppola clan found a new star in Sofia and her bittersweet tale of a pair of lonely Americans in Lost in Translation (2003). Bill Murray as the down-at-heel actor and an idealised Tokyo were the two standouts in a touching and funny story. In 2004 the talented Anderson (Wes as opposed to Paul WS) brought us the almost too whimsical Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, also tempting a stellar turn from a be-whiskered Bill Murray. Continuing the theme of comics turning in good dramatic performances, Steve Carell showed us that he was capable of more than shouting and falling over in the surprisingly dark yet affecting Little Miss Sunshine (06). The same year saw three movies tackle some of the darker periods in world history in the Last King of Scotland, The Lives of Others and Letters from Iwo Jima. Ulrich Mühe and Forest Whitaker turned in contrasting Oscar worthy turns as a Stasi operative and Idi Amin respectively. Clint Eastwood also drew a marvellous performance from Ken Watanabe in the stronger of his two Pacific war movies. The end of the decade saw possibly the best horror movie of the whole ten years and certainly the best film of 2009 in Let the Right One In. Ignore the upcoming US remake and revel in the unique vampire movie premise and unsettling atmosphere of the Swedish original. It couldn't be further away from the teenage nonsense of the Twilight series which makes it a Good Thing.

Orbital with added Dr Who.

2010-07-02T00:41:00.001+01:00

What Would Jesus Vote? Probably not Tory...

2010-05-05T22:01:00.005+01:00

As the zero hour approaches I have been thinking very hard about the election and who to cast my lot in with. For the first time, I have been very open about who I am planning to vote for and this has led to some very interesting and some very depressing conversations.
I personally think that this election is the most exciting I have ever experienced with a mainstream party I feel I have some ideological common ground with finally being worth voting for. The Liberal Democrats have a chance to effect genuine change. However, this has put me at odds with many of my fellow Christians. Many Christians are continuing to hold the belief that only the Conservatives have their best interests at heart.

This is not surprising as the automaton David Cameron (not all celebrity endorsements are good by the way - Simon Cowell and this guy? Oh dear) and his cronies talk about family values, marriage and crime in a way to make right wingers go weak at the knees. However, Christians should be considering the wider picture. Even a cursory glance at Jesus' teachings show that he was far more concerned with justice and with challenging hypocrisy than he was with sexual ethics or marriage (although he did have things to say there).

Therefore, the question we should be asking as Christians is - which party or outcome will lead to a more just and fair society? The Conservatives will definitely not lead our country to a fairer or more just path. For a taste of what Cameron's Britain will be like read this horrifying article on the Tories' flagship council in London. The cuts and ideology of the Tories will leave more and more of us on the scrapheap, it will not create jobs or stimulate the economy, it will not create more equality.

Ignore the propaganda that tells us a hung Parliament and a coalition will be dire for the economy. Germany still has the strongest economy in Europe and they have had coalition governments for years. Electoral reform that gives more weight to our votes and therefore increases our politician's accountability is essential. The Conservatives have openly said they will not pursue electoral reform that will make it harder for them to remain in power. In fact, Cameron's plan to reduce the number of MPs and redraw constituency boundaries will give him the opportunity to make the current system even worse.

I am not a fan of Labour, but even they are a better bet than the Tories. Barring a miracle the Lib Dems cannot win outright, but a coalition of Labour and Liberal Democrats is possibly the only way we can move forward as a society. The Conservatives will take us backwards and leave the most vulnerable without even basic safety nets.

So who would Jesus vote for?

Why I Won't Sign Westminster 2010 & Why You Should Read it Carefully Before You Sign

2010-04-06T19:22:00.008+01:00

Now that Ol' Gordy has formalised what we've all known for months and set a date for the General Election we can expect nothing but political madness for the next month or so. Until recently all I have been worrying about is who to vote for. Do I stick with the status quo and vote Labour? Do I risk the all-new, shiny, fluffy, friendly Tories? Or will I be wondering if my bum looks big in the Lib Dems? Do I don my fairtrade yak hair shirt and vote Green again?

However, now things aren't that simple. The Westminster 2010: Declaration of Christian Conscience has muddied the waters. Apparently, what I should do is vote for the candidate who will do the most to ‘respect, uphold and protect the right of Christians to hold and express Christian beli efs and act according to Christian conscience’.
35 Christian leaders ranging from the well known (Ex Archbishop of Canterbury George Carey) to the completely obscure (Jonathan Oloyede or Dennis Wrigley anyone?) have released a document of conscience that they are encouraging Christians of all denominations to sign.

On the surface, this isn't a bad idea at all. The segments about core historical beliefs, support of the poor and a commitment to social justice are all aims that we can all applaud. However, once you start to read the document itself in more detail there are some problematic areas.

Take the section on Marriage (follow the link for the full text). I realise that as a Christian at the more liberal end of the scale I know that my views on marriage are not necessarily those articulated in the declaration. However, the following sentence has disturbing and contradictory implications.

"We call on government to honour, promote and protect marriage and we refuse to submit to any edict forcing us to equate any other form of sexual partnership with marriage"

So unless 'marriage' is what the declaration says it is, Christians should refuse to submit to other interpretations? Even if those interpretations are legal? Like, for example, same sex civil partnerships. We don't have to agree with our nation's laws, but we do need to obey them, particularly if they do not lead us to do anything immoral. Simply accepting other viewpoints does not equate to an immoral act. This statement on marriage is even worse when juxtaposed with one from the section on Conscience.

"We will seek to ensure that religious liberty and freedom of conscience are unequivocally protected against interference by the state and other threats, not only to individuals but also to institutions including families, charities, schools and religious communities."

What about the freedom of people who disagree with evangelical Christian teaching? Is it referring merely to religious freedoms and conscience or is it referring to all freedoms and the conscience of all people? What about the freedom of those who believe its OK for two people of the same sex to get married? Will it uphold their freedom of conscience too?

Many Christians that I know have already signed the declaration, but I'm struggling to understand the ultimate purpose of the document. It's mildly militant language reflects the partisan rhetoric of the US Christian right and is directly influenced by the recent Manhattan Declaration. However, the UK doesn't have a political party gunning for the Christian vote like the US Republicans. In the end, it seems like a high-concept equivalent of a Facebook campaign/group. And like those campaigns, it does not represent the views of all those that it claims to.

Movies
Franklyn ***
Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull **
tHE Spiderwick Chronicles ****
Gran Torino ****
Let the Right One In *****
Titan AE ***
Hellboy 2 ****
In The Loop *****
Alien 3 **
Forgetting Sarah Marshall **
City of Ember ***
Jaws *****
Three Kings ***
Revolution **
Dead Snow ***

Church leader makes sense. Media spins it every which way but loose.

2010-04-05T16:50:00.007+01:00

I have a confession to make. I'm not proud of it. It's one of my dirty little secrets.

I'm an Anglican. There I said it, it's out in the open now. I feel much better.

The Anglican Church has been trying to tear itself apart over the last 10 years in a self-destructive streak a mile wide. The man charged with trying to lead this unruly worldwide band of Christians that encompasses fanatical evangelicals to fervent liberals is Archbishop Rowan Williams.His Easter message is one of the few occasions when the media will actually listen to something he's saying. (Although his admirably frank comments about the Catholic abuse scandal got some attention). This year he chose to devote part of his sermon to the 'persecution' of Christians. He asserted that "wooden-headed bureaucratic silliness" combined with a "well-meaning and completely misplaced anxiety about giving offence to non-Christians" should not be mistaken for persecution.

Quite right too. Christians in Britain are not at risk of violence or imprisonment simply because of their faith. A quick look at Amnesty International's website shows that there are many people round the world who face actual threats to their freedom and safety. Set against the genuine suffering that many face elsewhere, the hand-wringing of the evangelical right as personified by Westminster 2010 is tasteless in the extreme.

However, one of the most interesting elements of this story is how it has been covered by the news media. Contrast these two headlines for the same story:

Rowan Williams condemns 'overheated language' used to describe Christian suffering. The Guardian

Hallelujah! Archbishop speaks up for Christians: This bias against us must stop, says Dr Rowan Williams. The Daily Mail

Now, the Guardian headline underplays the overall context of the sermon. However, the Daily Mail seems completely oblivious to the irony of using exactly the type of overheated language that Williams is criticising. But it isn't the Mail's irony that I have a problem with. Rather, it is their ongoing attempt to fanaticise issues in a way that is very reminiscent of the hysterical partisan language used by the US media.

The 'shining' example is the use of people like Peter Hitchens (a cut price Glenn Beck if you can imagine such a thing) to spout petty, spiteful and narrow-minded opinion pieces. It pains me to do this, but read this article about Rowan Williams in which Hitchens brands him 'Nice, furry, mild and useless'. Williams is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but he has many qualities lost on the partisan extremists. He is intelligent, reasoned and diplomatic. This of course, is abhorrent to the likes of Hitchens who exist simply to provoke fury. This they accomplish as they push more and more of us out of the centre and towards the extremes of Right and Left.

Carol Cameron's Mouthpiece Vorderman

2010-03-05T12:00:00.009Z

Recently I have been suffering with THE WORST MAN FLU ANY HUMAN HAS EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE TO FACE (TM).

Obviously, I spent last night feeling sorry for myself while snuffling pathetically into a handkerchief. I could tell I was ill because I stumbled across Question Time and didn't switch channels. Now, I like the idea of Question Time, but the recent trend for always having 'celebrities' on the panel usually annoys me so much I can't watch.The celebrities in question last night were writer and professional grump Will Self (who I actually have a lot of time for) and ex-Countdown number mistress Carol Vorderman.

Vorderman has recently become more closely identified with the Conservative Party and currently chairs the Tories maths taskforce. However, it wasn't till last night that she showed her true colours so obviously. She was an unashamed Cameron mouthpiece and actually seemed to out-Tory the Conservative London Mayor Boris Johnson. That in itself isn't a problem - we live in a free country, she's entitled to her views and to present them in whatever forum she sees fit.

However, last night she presented herself as a petty, bigoted, small-minded, Daily Mail-ist, shrill, hectoring, right-wing busybody. She seemed to be continually reading from notes as if she was unsure of what she really thinks and kept trying to railroad the discussions so she could trot out her 'populist' pre-written soundbites. David Dimbleby seemed particularly cross about her constant hijacking of the agenda and her penchant for shouting over the other panelists.

I found her snivelling pandering to cheap right-wing thinking so frustrating that several horrifying mucas explosions ensued as I hurled impotent invective at the screen. Her attempts to portray herself as some sort of UK Sarah Palin (a US ex-politician who feigns colossal stupidity to appeal to lowest common denominator populism. See my previous thoughts on her here) are unbecoming for someone who has made a career out of being intelligent.

The perfect example of this followed a question from the audience regarding the public's right to know about Bulger killer Jon Venables' recent return to prison. She spouted a soundbite from her notes about the public having a right to know and that knowing Venables' misdemeanour would somehow help the family of Jamie Bulger. Clearly, she hoped that this would strike a chord with the audience and garner an approving round of applause. As it turned out, there was only a smattering of claps and Will Self quite rightly challenged her on this and asked her how it would help. As her crib cards clearly didn't contain any relevant pearls of wisdom she babbled like a reactionary moron instead.

Self then went on to pose possibly the best question of the night. Why is it that we consider young children who commit awful crimes much much worse than adults who commit the same sort of crime? Watch the following video from the BBC website. Pay attention to Vorderman's expression in the middle of Will Self's statement. At that moment, I would have happily dunked the woman in a vat of my own flu-related mucus.

Movies
The Invasion **
Kung Fu Panda ****
Doctor Strange ***
Flags of our Fathers ****
Ghost Town *
The Ninth Gate *
Resident Evil: Extinction **
Sherlock Holmes ****
Little Miss Sunshine *****
Avatar 3D (Imax) ***
The Mist (2008) ****
The Day the Earth Stood Still **
Frost/Nixon ****
Predator 2 **
Charlie Wilson's War ****
Trekkies ***
This last one was downright weird. But very compelling

9/10ths Full of Movies Part Three. G to I

2010-02-15T11:28:00.015Z

Welcome to Part Three of my entirely subjective reflection on a decade in cinematic expoits. Click here to see Parts One & Two. Please do chip in with any obvious omissions or disagreements.

G is for Guinea Pig
G got off to a good start in 2000 with Ridley Scott's epic Gladiator. We were definitely entertained, but the legion of inferior cash-ins on the sword'n'sandal revival were underwhelming (Alexander or Troy anyone? Thought not). In 2001 Robert Altman visited Gosford Park to explore the class system with a great ensenmble cast and a Cluedo setup.
Is there anything that George Clooney can do wrong when it comes the movies? He's a movie star, an accomplished actor and on the evidence of Good Night & Good Luck (2005) an excellent director. One of the most unsettling and extraordinary films of 2005 was Werner Herzog's documentary following the life of utterly bonkers self-styled wildlife champion Timothy Treadwell. Grizzly Man showcases Herzog at his very best, he shows Treadwell warts and all yet never judges leaving the viewer to draw their own conclusions.

H is for Hod
2000's Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon opened the door for Zhang Yimou to dazzle our eyes with his wushu antics. 2002's Hero used a Rashomon setup, gorgeous visuals and spectacular fight scenes to tell the story of a would be assassin. House of Flying Daggers (2004) was an equally beautiful, if slightly inferior tale. Also in 2004, Guillermo del Toro finally brought one of his most beloved characters to the screen. Mike Mignola's Hellboy as portrayed as by Ron Perlman was a reassuringly blue collar hero in a very enjoyable film. However, it wasn't till 2008 that del Toro truly did Hellboy justice. Hellboy 2:The Golden Army was a stunning spectacle dripping with creativity and fun. The Troll Market and the death of the elemental are among the best scenes of the decade. Two much loved books were brought to life in Howl's Moving Castle (2004) and Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005). Hotel Rwanda (2004) and The Hurt Locker (2009) approached two very different conflicts in two very different ways. The Spaced collective brought us 2007's Hot Fuzz which had style and laughs in spades and concluded with an epic punch up between James Bond and Tim from Spaced in a model village. Priceless.I is for Igloo
Robin Williams is superb and creepy as the main protagonist in Christopher Nolan's Alaskan set Insomnia (2002). Also notable as Al Pacino's last decent performance in a movie. In 2004, Pixar wowed us yet again with their first film featuring people (albeit super-people) - The Incredibles. In 2006 we were treated to not one, but two period dramas about stage magicians. The Illusionist saw Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti starring in the superior of the two. Robert Downey Jr continued his movie rehabilitation in the ridiculously fun Iron Man (2008). Indiana Jones came out of retirement and looked for a crystal skull, however all he reminded us of was how good he used to be. The man behind some of the best swearing on the small screen took his character to the movies in 2009. Peter Capaldi as Malcolm Tucker ate up all the scenery and most of his co-stars as the awesomely foul-mouthed spin doctor in In the Loop. 2009 was also notable for the last screen appearance of Heath Ledger in Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.

Fear Travolta's massive weapon

2010-02-14T23:09:00.007Z

OK - simple maths:

John Travolta with comedy beard+big gun+terrifically bad tagline = must see.

"Two Agents. One City. No Merci"

See what they did there? That's clever that is...

Dance Fever

2010-02-13T15:51:00.002Z

We've had Strictly Come Dancing, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing on Ice, Got to Dance and the barrel-scraping Dancing on Wheels. Now that this moment of zeitgeist has been well and truly wrung out, what we really need is a needle sharp satire of the whole dance show phenomenon.

Sky 1 has leapt manfully into the breach with the wonderfully ironic Pineapple Dance Studios. Watch this hilarious trailer featuring just about every dance related cliche imaginable.

Wait.... Talk amongst yourselves for a minute.....
.
For the love of all that is holy - its not a spoof.

Or is it?

A quick google check would suggest that Pineapple is actually a real dance studio and this programme is not a satirical skewering of TV's obsession with all forms of feet twirling nonsense.

I need to lie down for a while.

9/10ths Full of Movies Part Two. D to F

2010-02-08T19:10:00.012Z

Welcome back to my entirely subjective reflection on a decade in cinematic expoits. Click here to see Part Two. Please do chip in with any obvious omissions or disagreements.

D is for Daffodil
Richard Kelly is a unusual director who makes unusual and on occasion totally incomprehensible movies. He kicked the decade off with the wonderfully weird Donnie Darko in 2001 which was notable for it's combination of twisted time travel/teenage angst and great performances particularly Patrick Swayze's dodgy motivational speaker. Robin Williams is guilty of many cinematic crimes, however, he did redeem himself slightly by taking on some very dark straight roles in the Noughties. One of which was the underrated black comedy Death to Smoochy in 2002. Horror slunk into the Ds in the genuinely terrifying The Descent(2006) and the surprisingly decent remake of Dawn of the Dead in 04. While we're on the topic of horror in 2004, Bruno Ganz gave a stunning performance in Downfall's portrayal of Hitler's last days. Forget the zombies, Ganz's Hitler was a genuine human monster, flipping between kindly old man and raving hateful killer. 2006 saw Da Vinci Code madness sweep the globe. Sadly, the movie of the hopeless book was possibly the most ludicrously boring film of the decade. On the upside, Martin Scorsese finally won his richly deserved Oscar with The Departed. Science fiction boggled our eyes and brains with the gravelly Dark Knight (2008) and the gooey District 9 (2009) rounding the decade off quite nicely.

E is for Elephant
In 2000 Julia Roberts showed that she could still act quite well thank you very much as the crusading Erin Brockovich. The following year, two very contrasting war movies jostled for space in the multiplexes. The achingly British Enigma provided a who's who of UK actors while Enemy at the Gates featured a brilliantly tense duel between two top WW2 snipers in the ruins of Eastern Europe. In 2004 we fell hopelessly in love with Kate Winslet after her marvellous performance in the really quite weird Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If our politicians had listened to the impassioned voices behind Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room in 2005, perhaps we may have avoided sinking into the financial catastrophes we currently wallow in. Viggo Mortensen made us forget the noblility of Aragorn as the brutal Russian mob enforcer in David Cronenbourg's savage Eastern Promises (2007). Speaking of brutal, Brian Cox took time out from playing crooked CIA agents to make the criminally underviewed prison break drama The Escapist in 2008. Watch out for the twist, its a real kick in the guts...

F is for Flan
It's hard to remember now, but before 2001 the best adaptation of JRR Tolkien's works was an odd and unfinished Ralph Bakshi cartoon from 1978. It's easy to forget how much of a risk New Line took in giving Peter Jackson (best known for very gory low budget horror movies) millions of dollars and a free creative hand. Luckily for them (and us) Jackson created something rather special and it all started 2001 with The Fellowship of the Ring. In 2003 Pixar continued their unfeasibly long hot streak and took the story of a lost fish and made us all laugh like drains and cry like babies in Finding Nemo. Forget pesky things like facts, documentary maker Michael Moore knows exactly how to pitch righteous rage. Fahrenheit 9/11 released in 2004 savaged George Bush and the policies that led to the Iraq war. While Bush won the next election many people think that Fahrenheit 9/11 helped start laying the groundworks for Barack Obama's massive landslide victory in 2008. On an altogether lower key note, Johnny Depp cast aside his eye patch and pirate swagger to play JM Barrie in the beautifully crafted Finding Neverland (2004). And finally, the award for most confusing and bizarre mainstream film of the decade goes to Darren Aronofsky's The Fountain (2006). Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz searched for the Tree of Life and mused on death, life, religion, time and many other things in a gorgeously shot piece of sci-fi.

Tune in soon for G to I!

Resolution, Resolution, Resolution

2010-01-08T21:27:00.004Z

I'm not a great believer in New Year's Resolutions as a rule. This is mainly because I am terrible at keeping them and generally end up failing miserably. I then end up feeling very negative and down about it, which sort of negates their purpose.As 2009 drew to its inevitable end, I had a few conversations with a colleague at work where I was chastised for being a miserable git. This was done in a jocular way and was highly amusing at the time. However, on reflection he had a good point and I have resolved in 2010 to try and rectify this and make more of an effort to be somewhat more sociable. To avoid the type of navel-gazing introspection that is so tedious in the blogosphere, I won't tell you a sob story about how difficult I find social situations or any bilge like that. My biggest problem is that I'm lazy...

Therefore, I have made one simple resolution. Its not to lose weight (although I could stand to do that) or join a gym or take up Tai Chi. It is to be less grouchy and be more sociable!

Movies
Avatar ****
Where the Wild Things Are *****
Dead Set *****
Black Sheep ***
The Bourne Ultimatum *****

9/10ths Full of Movies Part One. A to C

2010-01-06T17:43:00.010Z

As we move bright-tailed and bushy-eyed into a shiny new decade it seems the right time to reflect on the past ten years in movie land. This is a subjective and incomplete list, so please point out any glaring omissions or mistakes as you see them...

A is for Apples
Long before Christian Bale gargled gravel for the Batman reboot he shocked and astonished us in the stylish and disturbing American Psycho in 2000. Will Smith demonstrated he could actually act in Ali and the elfin Audrey Tatou entranced us with the gallic quirkiness of Amelie in 2001. Two jokes ambled through 2004, the first being the genuinely funny Anchorman (a film Will Ferrell has been living off ever since). The second was Alien vs Predator; a film so dreadful that even Lance Henriksen had the grace to look embarrassed. David Cronenberg's A History of Violence helped legions of Viggo Mortensen fans to forgive him for making the hapless Hidalgo. The end of the decade saw the Coen Brothers cement their reputation as the best filmmaking brothers EVER with A Serious Man. On a slightly more bombastic note, James Cameron made minds boggle with the sheer beauty and technical prowess of Avatar. A film so stunningly gorgeous in 3D that we forgave it's Dances with Wolves' plot and one-dimensional character work.

B is for Barges
B made a blistering start to the Noughties when Battle Royale showed us one way to deal with pesky hoodies in 2000. James Bond was left quaking in his over-shined shoes by Jason Bourne as the Bourne Identity (2002), the Bourne Supremacy (2004) and the Bourne Ultimatum (2007) bucked the normal trilogy trend by getting better with each instalment. Bowling for Columbine spent 2002 reminding us why Michael Moore is famous while monster movies got an insane gallic polish with the unique Brotherhood of the Wolf (period monster movie with a fung-fu American-Indian). Elvis got a makeover too with the now ageing rocker battling a ancient evil mummy in his old people's home in Bubba Ho-Tep. 2003 stands proud as it produced the only Christmas film I have ever really liked in the deliciously rude Bad Santa. Batman finally shook off the horrific memories of Batman Forever (Nipples. Really?!!) with Christopher Nolan's 2005 reboot Batman Begins. The same year saw Brokeback Mountain confirm Ang Lee as possibly the oddest director at work in the decade (seriously, look at the range of movies he makes). Frank Langella creeped us out while Richard Kelly messed with our minds in 2009's The Box.

C is for Cauliflower
In 2000 Mel Gibson took time out from being a complete arse to lend his dulcet tones to Chicken Run. If Nick Park only makes one film every five years, then thank heaven they are as good as this. The climactic action scene in the pie machine is utterly thrilling (and I'm not joking). Ang Lee (see comments above) introduced us to the delights of wushu in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. 2002's film honours were stolen by the searing Brazilian masterpiece City of God and in 2003 William H Macy finally got to headline a movie in the criminally underrated The Cooler. Keanu Reeves showed us that Neo really was as good as he was going to get in 2004's Constantine and Bond, James Bond finally gave in and turned to the Bourne-side in 2006 in Casino Royale (or Bond Begins). Finally, the indisputed master of stop-motion Henry Selick finally got the recognition he deserved with the creepy 3D goodness of Coraline.

Tune in soon for the next penguin-baiting installment...

9/10ths Full of Penguins Review of the Year 2009

2009-12-30T21:38:00.005Z

As the decade with the crappest nickname since the roaring Nineteen Noughties comes to a close, I have been reflecting on the last ten years. I will be blogging some thoughts over the next few weeks, but I thought I'd kick things off with my customary review of the year.

Best Moment
Laughing so hard my sides hurt for 3 days while watching Bill Bailey live in Manchester ranks pretty high. However, sharing this glorious sunset with Heidi while on holiday in Northumbria wins the accolade.Worst Moment
My 6 year relationship with Refresh FM came to a sad and rather painful end. See my post from November for my thoughts and links to the various other posts and articles.

Best Film
In hindsight, 2009 was a good year for movies with some absolute blinders wowing my eyeholes. Watchmen and Avatar just about met expectations, Star Trek and State of Play exceeded them and The Hurt Locker and District 9 came out of left field and almost stole the show. However, there can be only one winner and that was the wonderfully eerie Let the Right One In which showed all the other vampire films released in 2009 exactly how things should be done.

Worst Film
Channing Tatum and his unfeasible face slunk into a few movies this year including the inexplicable GI Joe. However, he sunk to new depths in the utterly dreadful Fighting. A film called Fighting which is about fighting should have more actual fighting in it. It spent so long talking about fighting and setting up the bouts for the charmless Tatum that when they finally arrived the director appeared to get rather over-excited and crammed 2 minutes of badly choreographed handicam scrapping into the film.

Best TV
Battlestar Galactica finally come to an end in 2009 and still managed to be just about the best TV of the year. Although honourable mentions do go to the superbly crafted Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle and BBC's Life.

Best Album
Its a tie between Neon Horse's Haunted Horse: Songs of Love, Defiance, and Delusion and Absence by Paper Route

Best Book
Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett. It may not be the best book of the year, but it was my favourite. Pratchett is as good as ever and reading his books now comes with a slight twinge of sadness. If you missed the marvellous two-part BBC documentary where he explores possible treatments for his Alzheimers I suggest you seek it out. It's both funny and moving - very much like the man himself.

Best Penguin related story of 2009
The heartwarming tale of penguin adoption in a German Zoo. A hearty slap in the face for all those stupid fundamentalist Christians who use penguins as an example of 'wholesome' family values. They're just animals, they're not proof of anything!

Blogs of the Year
Fat Roland
Cultural Snow

Here's to more blogging in 2010...

Cocking a Snook at Simon Cowell

2009-12-14T23:10:00.004Z

I don't like reality TV shows. Big Brother, I'm a Celebrity, Strictly Come Dancing, Britain's Got Talent & X-Factor being just the highest profile peddlers of televisual offal. They are lazy and dedicate themselves to one of two goals. The first being the search for the Z-list celebrity or freakish civilian who will humiliate themselves in the most amusing manner. The second being the discovery of a moderately talented singer/dancer who can churn out mediocre pop music to further fill the obscenely bulging coffers of Simon Cowell.Once upon a time, all we had to worry about in the Christmas charts was Mr Blobby or worse, Cliff Richard records (The Lords Prayer set to Auld Lang Syne - remember?). However, we now look back on those dark times with pangs of yearning for the good old days. Now every year with a depressing inevitability we await the latest offering from whoever has triumphed in the X-Factor. Simon Cowell is now so used to having the Christmas number 1 that he now seems to expect it as his sovereign right. The only reason that so many people will lumber out and buy this prepackaged drivel is because ITV have spent what feels like the last 10 months shoving it down our damn throats.

There is currently a campaign to stop the Christmas charts from rolling over and presenting to Codpiece Cowell. People all over Britain are voting on who they want to be Christmas Number 1 by purchasing the Rage Against the Machine classic Killing in the Name of. Check and join the Facebook group here. This group is now approaching 750,000 members and has been branded as 'stupid' and 'cynical' by Simon Cowell.

Lets just think about for a moment.....

So creating a show that broadcasts twice a week for 3 million years to create masses of advertising revenue and gets all its participants to show up for mass auditions to remove the pesky job of searching out talent is not cynical? Creating a show that keeps in a few of the more freakish and vulnerable wannabes so we can laugh at them and their crazy dreams of stardom (dreams fueled by constant reality TV shows and f***ing Heat magazine) is not cynical? Creating a show that has as its end result a prepackaged, bland cover version of a pop song that is arranged and recorded months before the winner is discovered and then has the winner's vocals smoothed, produced, tweaked and then tacked on like an afterthought is not cynical? Creating a show that is so utterly meaningless as a contest because the winner is never the act that triumphs, but rather Simon Cowell, is not cynical?

No, apparently a large number of people going out a buying record they like to get it to number 1 is cynical. I always thought that was just the charts, but maybe Cowell is right. Perhaps the Christmas number 1 we deserve is from a man called Joe warbling a Hannah Montana cover.

Movies
Tropic Thunder ** (Apart from Tom Cruise, who is bloody hilarious)
The International ****
State of Play (UK & US) ***** ****
The American President ***
The Clone Wars ***
The Game ****
Prince Caspian ***
Eagle Eye **
High Fidelity ***
The Escapist ****
Three Kingdoms ***
Jurassic Park 3 ***
Star Trek:Insurrection **
Step Brothers **
The Hangover ****
Schindlers List *****
Get Smart ***
Fighting *
Galaxy Quest ****
Juno ***
Starship Troopers ****
Yes Man ***
The Box ****
Pans Labyrinth *****
Constantine ***
Dan in Real Life ****

The Theatre of Noise is Dead - Long Live the Theatre of Noise

2009-11-21T23:47:00.005Z

The more long-suffering visitors to this blog will know that for the last 6 years, I have been involved with a local RSL Christian radio station in Manchester called Refresh FM which broadcasts for 3-4 weeks at Easter time. This post is not for sympathy or for an agenda, but because the writing is a helpful expression of how I feel about what has happened over the last few months.

Over the years I have helped Refresh in a variety of roles although mainly as a presenter and producer. I have been part of the Scheduling Team and also helped set up the music playlist. They have been a big part of my volunteering life for over half a decade and I will always be grateful for the opportunities offered and the trust placed in me by Refresh FM.

However, unfortunately, that relationship has now had to come to an end. Every year I have presented a show called the Theatre of Noise with one of my friends. We have developed the show over the years and it has been a big part of the evening schedules. Eyan, my co-presenter, was asked in the summer if he was willing to take a larger role in the organising and leadership of the station.

At this stage, Eyan felt it was important to be open with Refresh and informed them that he was gay. Within a month, Eyan and I were invited to a meeting with the leaders of Refresh where Eyan was informed that it was no longer possible for him to continue as a presenter due to his sexuality and the incompatibility of his lifestyle choice with the core evangelical message of the church that runs Refresh FM. For Eyan's eloquent account of this incident visit his blog for the initial article and a follow up piece. There has also been an article in the Guardian CiF section on the wider issue of volunteer rights.

While Eyan was left with little choice as to whether he could carry on, it was made clear to me that because I am straight, I was welcome to continue with Refresh. In the end, I felt that I was unable to reconcile how my friend was treated due to the narrow evangelical views of Refresh's leadership and the core message of Christianity. Therefore, I took the decision to step down from presenting and my positions on the scheduling and playlist teams.

The whole situation has caused upset and soul-searching in all parties and I'm worried for Refresh's future. I have always had such high hopes for a station that has taken some very bold steps in the past (the moment they defied critics to broadcast a Catholic church service in the Sunday morning service slot made me very proud to be a part of the organisation), and I hoped they would react better in this situation. Sadly, it seems (as is the way with us Christians in general) sexuality proved a step too far. My worry is that Refresh will withdraw and look inwards and try to involve only those who share their core beliefs. Its biggest strength has always been the involvement of a wide range of Christians of all denominations, ages and backgrounds. My suspicion would be that a good number of key volunteers would not be willing or able to 'sign on' and that would only make the station poorer.

On a positive note, Eyan & I have already had a meeting with someone interested in perhaps giving the Theatre of Noise a new home. So the Theatre of Noise is dead. Long Live the Theatre of Noise.

Twi-fright

2009-11-21T18:54:00.008Z

This week saw the release of Twilight New Moon to the delight of millions of teenage girls around the world. The film is sweeping all before it and is predicted to make a gajillion dollars over the next couple of weeks. The Twilight empire is a commercial juggernaut of a size to make Harry Potter quiver in his Quidditch boots.

I have studiously ignored the Twilight films so far, but as I was doing my ironing one evening this week (yes, you read that right, ironing) I found myself watching the first one. It is truly astonishing, but not in a good way. If you are one of the three individuals unaware of the story enjoy this parody with bunnies.

Now, I am well aware that these films are not aimed at me, but I was amazed at how technically dreadful the first one is. On every level, the film is a catastrophe...

1) Directing/photography:
The direction is shabby and lazy, the pacing is completely botched, the action sequences (when they finally arrive) are badly arranged and executed. Watching the awful CG/stunt/wired up vampires bounce around trees trying to appear dangerous is simply laughable. The dull grey lighting motif that permeates the whole film is clearly meant to be stylish, but just makes everything appear like a grotty day in Preston.

2) Writing:
Even taking into account the target audience, the writing is woeful. The most publicised zinger is Robert Pattinson's comment to Kristen Stewart where he says that she is his "own personal heroin". However, the dialogue is uniformly idiotic and puerile and the plot holes could swallow entire towns.

3) Acting: Every single 'teenage' actor seems to be trying far far too hard. Pattinson in particular relies on one expression to show every single emotion from miserable to happy to lustful to enraged. The interplay between the two main characters is supposed to be charged with repressed sexual tension. However, it manifests itself in stupid staring and lying next to each other in grass.

4) Mythology: Vampires are undead. The fascination with the vampire legend is the combination of beauty and corruption. When exposed to sunlight, they should burst into flame. They should not appear to be glittering like diamonds. DIAMONDS!! for goodness sake...

My biggest problem with this film is that it treats its audience like idiots. It assumes that because Stephanie Meyer's Twilight books are so popular, they can put handsome clothes horses in front of the camera to churn out this drivel and the masses will lap it up. Sadly, they were right...

Just because a movie is aimed at teens or kids, it doesn't mean that it has to be a film for idiots. Pixar have taught us that. Just because you have budget constraints it doesn't mean you can ignore the basics of making a good film. Anyway, if you want a vampire film that shows a vaguely sweet yet very unsettling relationship between a human and a vampire watch the utterly bewitching and genuinely creepy Let the Right One In.

Have some movie reviews
Silent Hill **
Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince ***
Madagascar 2 *
Resdient Evil Apocalypse ***
Enchanted **
Evan Almighty ***
Lake Placid **
The Hurt Locker ****
Prince Caspian ***
District 9 ****
Let the Right One In *****
Twilight *
The Escapist ****
The Kingdom ***
In Bruges ****
Outlander **

The Rise of the Geeks

2009-11-17T21:46:00.000Z

We all knew it had to happen sooner or later. The geek/nerd/spod (insert derogatory term of your choice here) has enjoyed a meteoric cultural rise over the last 10 years. But as we come to the end of the noughties (for lots more noughties related thoughts, read Tim Footman's excellent blog Cultural Snow), something terrifying has happened.

We've become mainstream. We've conquered the movies with the vast majority of the top 50 grossing movies of the decade having sci-fi/fantasy/supernatural leanings.

TV became our bitch when Battlestar Galactica made it acceptable for people who'd avoided sci-fi to admit they watched it.

The graphic novels by the likes Alan Moore and Mike Mignola are read by cool looking people on the bus. We've even appropriated high literature with the marvellous Pride & Prejudice and Zombies by Seth Grahame Smith.

We bestride the world like a check-shirted, glasses-wearing behemoth justifying why Deep Space Nine is the best Star Trek series.

All of this begs the question, now we're in the majority we will be benevolent overlords or will we enact a terrible revenge on the 'cool' people who spent so much time mocking us? I personally don't mind, although I would like to take fashion Nazi Gok Wan and force him to watch every episode of Babylon 5 until he damn well appreciates it as quality drama...

It's health & safety gone mad!!

2009-10-31T20:05:00.001Z

Aside from some work-based travails and a rather unpleasant situation that I will blog about soon, I have generally been quite happy with the world. Hence the lack of blog posts.

I was recently on holiday in Northumbria and enjoyed the beautiful ruggedness of the area. In winter, it seems a place for chiselled manly men. A place of craggy cliffs and rough seas.

So I was quite surprised to find on a cliff top near Seahouses this marvelous sign warning of a confined space underneath. The people of Northumbria may be tough and rugged but apparently need to be told that holes in the ground are small.

Normal service to be resumed soon...

Zombie Outbreak!!

2009-08-18T12:18:00.002+01:00

Human-Robot marriages will be legal by 2050.
D.Levy. University of Maastricht 2007

Chickens prefer beautiful human beings.
Ghirlanda, Jansson & Enquist. Stockholm University 2002

Pressures involved when Penguins poo: Calculations on Avian Defecation
Meyer-Rochow, Gal & Eotvos. University of Hungary 2005

Some people like to grumble and moan about scientists doing random and pointless studies and researches. I personally find them hugely entertaining, particularly when related to completely useless areas of knowledge (such as the pressure rates of penguin faeces).

Scientists in Canada have recently completed a study called Infectious Disease Modelling Research Progress. On first glance that doesn't seem especially entertaining. However, the title of chapter 4 has promise. WHEN ZOMBIES ATTACK!: MATHEMATICAL MODELLING OF AN OUTBREAK OF ZOMBIE INFECTION.

Apparently, the only way to successfully defeat a outbreak is to remove the heads of the zombies. Intriguingly, they could have watched Shaun of the Dead and got the same result without all that pesky mathematics. Their conclusions are wonderfully backed up by Professor Neil Ferguson of Imperial College, London. "My understanding of zombie biology is that if you manage to decapitate a zombie then it's dead forever." Read the story here.
Films
Old School ***
Matrix Reloaded ***
Matrix Revolutions **
Mesrine Pt 1 ****
Terminator Salvation ***
Angels & Demons ***
X Men Origins:Wolverine ***

Where the wild things will be.

2009-08-09T00:16:00.005+01:00

A film directed by Spike Jones, the trailer backed by an Arcade Fire track?

It feels like they're trying too hard to be 'indie'. This worries me slightly.

It does look utterly wonderful though...

Movies
Star Trek 2 Wrath of Khan ****
Blade Runner the Final Cut *****
The City of Lost Children ****
The Core *
Charlie & The Chocolate Factory ***
Ultraviolet *
Copland ***
Reign of Fire **
A Scanner Darkly ***
To Kill a Mockingbird *****
No Escape *
The Cell **
Valkyrie ***
Outpost ***
Quantum of Solace ***
The Watcher *
Jurassic Park ****

We Are Klang

2009-08-08T00:38:00.003+01:00

We Are Klang. Vic Reeves Big Night Out-esque chuckles or stupid, insulting nonsense.

Discuss...

Juxtaposition...

2009-07-22T21:40:00.006+01:00

Spotted on a railway station in Manchester today.
Apparently, Diggerland offers the 'best day out ever'. Bearing in mind the manifest wonders of this rich and diverse planet, I'm guessing that scraping around dirt in Yorkshire in a mini digger may not make the top slot. For a real hit of bizarre, have a peek at their rather surreal website, complete with corporate song here

Amusingly, this paean to the manly exploits of earth removal was right next to this poster suggesting the unmissable nature of a movie about clothes or something.Reading the poster about the film (its apparently the most stylish film since Sex & the City which is a comparison that even now is making my intestines threaten to rise up and strangle me from within in order to stop me from ever seeing it ) teaches us a valuable lesson, which I am going to pass onto you gentle reader.

If a movie poster reprints reviews from publications like Vogue, Marie Claire, Elle magazine etc, immediately remove 2 stars from the rating. This should leave you with an accurate star rating. The same goes for Heat magazine and all red top newspapers too. However, I'm not being snobbish - you should never trust the Guardian film reviews either. Oh, or those in the Times or Telegraph.

And while I think about it, James King on Radio 1 and Mark Kermode (of wherever he has slithered off to) are also not to be fully trusted in movie review terms.

Due to my lengthy absence there will now follow a bumper list of movie ratings (from which of course, you should immediately deduct at least 2 stars from to obtain an accurate rating)

Lady Vengeance ***
Total Recall ****
Man on Fire **
Keane ****
Ned Kelly *
Tears of the Sun ***
Hulk **
The Dead Zone ***
Red Dragon **
Mission Impossible 3 **
Aguirre, Wrath of God ****
From Dusk Till Dawn ***
Batman ***
Amelie *****
Final Destination 2 **
The Living Daylights ***
Spiderman ***
Timecop:The Berlin Decision *
Wilderness **
Dawn of the Dead (2004) ****
My Super Ex Girlfriend ***
Ghosts of Mars **
X-Files **
Death Note ***
Death Note the Last Name ***
Watchmen ****
Collateral ****
Rock n Rolla ****
Diary of the Dead ***
Tales from Earthsea ***
Hard Target ***
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen **
Fallen **
16 Blocks ***
Star Trek ****
Idiocracy **
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People **
Terminator 3 **
Along came a Spider **
The Crazies ***
Behind Enemy Lines ***
The Terminator ***
Termintor 2 ****
Grizzly Man *****
Infernal Affairs ****
Spartacus *****

Offical Hiatus

2009-06-28T22:36:00.004+01:00

I have been neglecting this poor blog for a while. For some reason, I haven't been able to summon up a decent blog post for months (I have been trying though). Therefore, I think I will let it lie fallow for a time.

Do feel free to follow me on Twitter - thats all I feel up to doing at the moment.

twitter.com/fullofpenguins

The Great 2009 Book Odyssey Part 1

2009-02-10T08:02:00.009Z

Newspapers like to fill their weekend pages with supplements full of things we must do. The 100 Council Estates to Escape Before You Die, The 750 Types of Cheese You Simply Must Smell Before the End of this Week - that sort of thing. I don't normally pay that much attention to these supplements, however a few weeks ago The Guardian was running a series called the 1000 Novels Everyone Must Read. I decided I wanted read as many of them as I could. However, to make it manageable I've decided to read the Sci-Fi & Fantasy segment during 2009. I know its yet another example of me nailing my nerd colours to the mast but never mind...

1) Douglas Adams - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy ***** (an old favourite)
2) Brian Aldiss - Non Stop ****
3) Isaac Asimov - Foundation *****
4) Margaret Atwood - The Blind Assassin ** (not a fan of Atwood really)
5) Paul Auster - In The Country of Last Things ****
6) Iain Banks - The Wasp Factory ****

I'd read Hitchhikers, The Wasp Factory and Foundation before, but it's always a pleasure to revisit them. I haven't read a book as riveting as the Country of Last Things for ages. It isn't a long book, but I read it in a matter of hours - its definitely worth seeking out.

Movies
X-Men: The Last Stand ***
S.W.A.T **
Outbreak ***
Assault on Precinct 13 (the newer one) ***
Unbreakable ****
(I think it may actually be his best film - better than 6th Sense)
Tigerland ***
Mission Impossible 2 ***
Wall E *****
Dances with Wolves *****
Sin City **
(I saw it at the cinema and thought it was good - on the small screen its all style and no substance)

Searching for my Power Animal

2009-01-29T22:17:00.004Z

Inspired by Patroclus, I decided I wanted to explore the (forgive me) nonsensensical concept of the power animal. Apparently a power animal can empower me towards ever-increasing prosperity and fulfilment. It will also help me to express and embody the person I truly am.

In other words, its a steaming pile of dreamy bollocks cooked up by people too lazy to pick a proper religion and too scared to be proper atheists...

Anyway on with the fun. According to this website of twisted genius, all you need to do to find your power animal is to enter the enchanted forest, pass the mouse (a normal one not a power mouse) over the screen till said creature approaches. Following this wholly random process taught me that my power animal is a tortoise ('take a deep breath and let the spirit of the tortoise fill you'). Interestingly, if you click on the same spot more than once - you'll get a different animal every time...

I was unsatisfied with the arbitrary nature of this selection, so I tried a different website which took the more detailed approach by asking me 15 moronically phrased questions. This site told me that I had high scores in Hawk, but low scores in Cougar - I have no clue what that means, I'm just disappointed my horse score was so low.....

Click here and take the test for yourself. Do post in the comments what power animal you have been lumbered with.

Fox is both evil and stupid

2009-01-25T20:04:00.004Z

Evidence, if any were needed, that right-wing America (as represented by the Fox Network) can be annoyingly dense and small-minded.

Enjoy Jon Stewart from the Daily Show getting the boot in on professional knob Rush Limbaugh.

"If you don't stick to your values when they're tested, they're not values. They're hobbies."

Hat tip to Anna

Coffee - The cause of and solution to all our problems..

2009-01-24T08:26:00.006Z

There was a marvellous story on the BBC website recent ly. It reported research that suggested elevated coffee intake could raise the risk of hallucinations. If you drink more than 7 cups of instant coffee in a day you could start seeing ghosts and hearing voices.
However, there are some holes in this conclusion, as the study was conducted using 200 students from the University of Durham. Can I suggest (without stereotyping) that there may be other factors (lack of sleep) or substances (off milk) causing these poor students to hear voices? My favourite nugget of information however, is that 3% of the population regularly hear 'voices'. This means that nearly 2 million people in the UK right now are talking with the pixies in their head. I could be one of them - so could you.....

Anyway, to the point. The BBC news website very helpfully lists similar stories on the same page as the current story. This led to me spending a very enjoyable hour going gradually back in time reading all the things that coffee does to our poor unsuspecting bodies.

January 2006 10 cups a day increases female sex drive.
July 2008 4 cups a day reduces fertility
January 2008 4 cups a day increases the chance of miscarriage
February 20 03 8 cups a day can double chance of stillbirth

June 2008 6-8 cups a day reduces your chances of developing ME
April 2008 1 cup a day helps protect the brain from dementia
January 2008 4 cups a day makes Diabetes worse
August 2007 3 cups a day protects memory in older women

July 2007 1 cup a day protects your skin from the sun
August 2002 May cure skin cancer one day
Janury 2007 2 cups can reduce post workout muscle pain by 48%

November 2005 6 cups of decaffeinated coffee a day increases chances of heart disease compared to 6 cups of regular coffee
October 2004 1 cup a day increases chance of heart disease
November 2002 Coffee doesn't raise blood pressure.

April 2002 Coffee may keep you awake at night (Shock horror!)

So what can we learn from our journey in medical scaremongering? Firstly, if you are female you are much worse off than us men. Particularly as you get the most of the negative effects and when you do get the positive ones - it works better for us. Secondly, if you are old it will help you keep your wits for longer. Thirdly, you can make data from most research say pretty much whatever you want. And finally, its all totally pointless as coffee doesn't even wake you up in the morning.
Movies
Blood Diamond ****
King Arthur (Director's Cut) ***
The Wrestler *****
X2 ****
Eastern Promises ****

What the.....

2009-01-11T11:15:00.005Z

Having commented on the paucity of quality TV in my previous post. I wasn't planning to talk about TV again for a little while. Praise be then for Paris Hilton, who has made me seethe with righteous fury.

This pathetic excuse for a celebrity has a new programme that will be disgracing our screens shortly. It is called (brace yourself) Paris Hilton's British Best Friend. For the sake of all that is holy - how did this vile idea ever get the green light?

Here is a quote from the idiot in question.
“Everyone knows I love LA,” says the star. “But London, watch out – I’m coming to town and bringing my fast-paced life with me. I’m in the UK all the time, but of course I can’t bring all my friends, so I’ve decided to look for a new BFF across the pond. I need a best friend who is hot, who can keep up with me, and most of all, who is real and won't be a backstabber. I’m not leaving London until I find that amazing girl or guy who can meet the challenges of being my British bestie!”

The hideous trailer shows Paris cavorting with a pair of ridiculous looking dogs, one of which accompanies her everywhere. This of course could be suggesting that she is looking for the human British equivalent of her little rat-dog. A little playmate for her to swan around London with until she gets bored and jettisons them like the human waste they are. The most depressing aspect of this is that there are thousands of people who want to take part in this programme, thousands of people who will humiliate themselves to try and get a tiny slice of celebrity. Thousands of people who will essentially prostitute themselves to become a hanger on of a woman whose only talent is to be famous. Here are the cream of that particularly pathetic crop.
This apparently is a time when creative and interesting programmes that don't actually cause your soul to shrivel within you are being shelved due to a lack of money. How is it then that ITV are paying this vile woman $100,000 per EPISODE?!! Surely that money could have been better used?

However, there is a glimmer of hope. The following paragraph has been posted on the show's website.
"The ambitious wannabes will share a house and will gradually be eliminated until one of them will be inaugurated as Paris Hilton’s British Best Friend."

This may mean that instead of being merely evicted, the 'wannabes' will actually be executed in a Doctor Who Bad Wolf style. (Watch it here, if you aren't familiar with the Doctor's exploits)

We can but hope....

Movies
The Hive *
Miracle on 34th Street **
Thank you for Smoking ****
Airplane *****

In 2009 I will mainly be angry...

2009-01-09T09:44:00.006Z

For 2009 I have decided to be more angry about things. The gentle therapeutic effect of bitterness and bile will ease my soul thoughout 2009.

Here are the three things that exercised my ire the most through 2008:

1) Banks
While I understand that I'm no economic expert, the sheer arrogance of financial sector was astonishing. In my really simplistic view, its seems the banks have been gambling with our money for years and they've finally lost. Years of appalling excess, greed and enormous salaries have made bankers some of the most unpopular people on the planet. And when global economics came around to bite them on the arse, they moaned and whined and demanded our help with a complete lack of humility. When the goverment bailed them out with our taxes, they strutted around as if they'd done nothing wrong. These people are the slime of the world (along with reality TV show producers) and you can bet the heads of the banks in question are not out of pocket - unlike many of the people whose money they pissed away.
2) Fashion 'Nazis'
I wrote a terribly grouchy post back in July 08 about fashion and the endlessly annoying Gok Wan. Read it here.

3) Cheap and stupid TV involving cheap nudity
Like any other year, 2008 saw an endless stream of cheap and easy TV programmes designed to make brains dribble out of your ears. According to several articles, one of the depressing minor side effects of a global economic crisis will be a decrease in the number of good TV programmes. As quiz shows and reality TV shows are relatively cheap to produce, we can expect many more of them. Therefore, we should look back on 2008 as a relative high point in TV and film.

One of the standout features of the TV schedules this year has been the stream of programmes using the flimsy excuse of 'empowerment' to create gratuitous shots of naked people. The sheer hypocrisy of some of these shows was breathtaking. Trinny & Susannah, Gok Wan and Dawn Porter should all be very ashamed of themselves. For a better skewering that I could ever deliver of these type of shows watch this episode of the gloriously angry Screenwipe.

Watch Part 2 here
Be warned - there is some bad language and some clips from the shows concerned.

I'm looking forward to many things making me grumpy in 2009....

Movies
Van Helsing ***
Fatherland ***
The Recruit **
Young Frankenstein ****
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull ***
Independance Day ***
Castle of Cagliostro ****
Wanted ****

9/10ths Full of Penguins Review of the Year 2008

2009-01-02T23:27:00.011Z

I apologise for my lengthy absence. I have been pondering the purpose of this blog and took something of a furlough to consider whether I should keep going or not. I never wanted my blog to be a 'today I had my breakfast and then went to work' type-blog and felt it might have been slipping slowly that way. However, I'm now back and raring for more blogtacular action in 2009...

2008 has seen some extraordinary moments. Barack Obama's huge victory in the US presidential elections, global economic meltdown and two pensioners making jumpers out of their dead dogs' hair.

Best Moment
November 5th at the Empress Ballroom in Blackpool. I finally got to see the peerless Sigur Ros live in concert. It was simply the most extraordinary gig I've ever seen and leapt straight to the top of my all time gig list, unseating Iona at the Royal Festival Hall in May 1999.

Best Film
The year's best film was an easy choice in the end. Nothing even came close to the dazzlingly bleak Dark Knight - brilliantly written, directed and acted. However, my favourite film of the year was the marvellously entertaining Hellboy 2.

Worst Film
The Happening. For the sake of all that is holy - please lock M Night Shyamalan in dark, windowless room until he promises to stop making films this terrible. It was a film with nothing going for it at all.

Best TV
Battlestar Galactica was once again the best thing on the goggle-box in 2008. I have also discovered the wonders of the West Wing. I'm about half way through season 3 and I'm reluctant to carry on watching it as the further I go throught the seasons, the closer I am to never having a new episode of the West Wing to watch....

Worst TV

I was subjected to a few episodes of Strictly Come Dancing in 2008. I was truly astonished by the level of self-importance and vanity oozing out of most of the contestants and judges. The fact that the judges continued complaining that the public kept saving John Sergent demonstrated that they thought far too much of themselves and their dance show than the fact that they were part of a reality TV show that asks for public opinion. What they told the viewers was that they (the judges) were right and the great unwashed of the British public were incorrect because they had the temerity to disagree with them.The truly magnificent John Sergeant

Best Album
Dial M - Starflyer 59

Best Book
The Separation by Christopher Priest - a pleasingly complex and intriguing book of alternative fiction.

Best Penguin related story of 2008
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Do people need rescuing? Nah - its just two inflatable penguins. Read all about it here

Blogs of the Year
Here are my 3 favourite blogs of the year in no particular order.
Fat Roland
Quinquireme
Cultural Snow

On a personal level, I decided to follow the example of a good friend and start trying to lose weight. In the last 5 or 6 weeks of 2008 I lost over a stone in weight and have set myself the goal of losing enough weight to start playing cricket properly again before the end of 2009.

In 2008 I also rediscovered an old friendship that has blossomed into somewhat more over the course of the year which has made me very happy.

The Journey of a Man

2008-10-04T19:04:00.006+01:00

While visiting my parents I came across a stack of old photos that chronicle my embarrassing ascent to manhood. However, before I get to the point of this blog post I need to do a bit of housekeeping.

Avid readers of this blog (are there any of those?) may recall a post back in 2007 where I shared my terrifying experience at the hands (paws?) of some vicious monkeys. Now, some sceptics doubted the veracity of my 5 year old recollections. But in the aforementioned photos I discovered some corroboration.

Anyway, on with business. As I move tentatively into my third decade my thoughts have turned to how I'm progressing in the overall scheme of things. I don't mean in the more mundane ways you might think. I'm not that worried about my career or my financial prospects, I'm comfortable with the fact I don't have any children and I'm rather relieved that I don't have a house to worry about. No, what has been making me think is how I have progressed in a myriad of small and insignificant ways.

Can I juggle yet? (No) Have I breathed fire? (Yes) Have I been best man at someone's wedding? (Yes) Have I ever visited Weston-super-mare? (No) Have I eaten an Israeli Dragon Fruit? (Yes) Have I jumped out of a plane? (Yes) Have I abseiled down a tall building? (No) Can I play a musical instrument? (No) Have I adopted a penguin? (Not yet)

These, and so many others, have been crowding my head for ages. This got me thinking - how can I gauge my progress as a man? When I saw the following photos, I realised it was all so simple. (apologies to Paul for ripping off his 1st letter to the Corinthians)

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child and I screamed the place down when I sat on Father Christmas' knee....

However, when I became a man I put away childish things and made small children cry in terror as Father Christmas...
It may amuse you to know that I have actually 'been' Father Christmas twice in my life. On each occasion I was helping out after regular Santas pulled out with beard strain or something equally improbable. I learned a valuable lesson on each occasion. The first time I learned that young children never want to meet Santa, it happens simply because cruel parents want a cutesy photograph with which to humiliate their offspring in the future. The second time, I learned to never hold a nervous child on your knee, particularly if that child has been stuffed full of party food and jiggled around by its unthinking mother as part of some hideously cheesy christmas party game. Suffice it to say, the result was neither cute nor amusing despite what a room full of middle aged mothers thought...

Movies
Event Horizon ***
The Prestige ***
Family Guy: Blue Harvest ****
The Fly ****
West Wing Season 1 *****

Its OK

2008-09-21T16:47:00.003+01:00

Delirious (one of my favourite bands of the last 10 years) are on their farewell tour....

This is from when they were properly good...the video isn't amazing, but I love the song.

(And yes, I know its not a proper blog post. Having a lazy sunday)

Movies
Dark Knight *****
X Files - I Want to Believe **
She's All That *
Hellboy 2 ****
Kung Fu Panda ***
Babylon AD **
The Happening *
Iron Man ****
Sleepy Hollow ***
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang ****

Cynicism

2008-09-05T20:05:00.007+01:00

I have been very disturbed recently by my seemingly unstoppable slide into cynicism. I'm not sure when it started getting appreciably worse. I've always felt that I had merely a healthy dose of the old C-Y-N, but I now recognise that I'm actually riddled with the stuff.

In some ways, this is no bad thing. A cynic can glean much greater enjoyment from the acid words of the likes of the refreshing grouchy Charlie Brooker (read this) than the sunny optimists amongst us. A cynic is also much less likely to fall for the scams that the hapless victims on the Real Hustle seem powerless to avoid. This is because we know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if something sounds too good to be true, it always is.

Let me give you examples of my newly increased cynicism:

1) The appointment of Sarah Palin as John McCain's running mate for the US presidential elections. Which is not in anyway an attempt to make people who would have voted for Hillary Clinton switch to the Republicans. A closer look at National Rifle Association member Palin reveals her to be so right-wing that she probably flagellates her own left side for not being hardline enough. This is a woman who supports gun education in school while opposing sexual health education. A woman who tried to sue the attempts to list Polar bears as an endangered species because it might affect Alaskan oil drilling. A woman who thinks that capital punishment and carrying guns is ok, but same-sex marriage is evil. Here's a gratuitous picture of her on a moose hunt.

I don't know what's worse, the thought that the Republicans have tried to pick up the 'Hillary' vote with Palin or that it might actually work with some moron who will fall for the 'I'm just a small-town hockey mom - just like you....' schtick.

2) My first thought when Labour announced its decision to scrap stamp duty on properties under £175,000 for 12 months, was not 'Ooo, what a boost to a flagging market'. Rather it was hollow laughter at such a blatant attempt to bribe voters into believing Gordon Brown isn't a useless lump of playdough as Prime Minster.

This overwhelming cynicism is seeping gradually into all aspects of my life in an alarming way. Luckily, there are a few things halting my headlong rush into complete bitterness.

One of these is my discovery of the marvelous Band Marino. I recently obtained their gorgeous album The Sea & The Beast which is a wonderfully whimsical concoction of quirky, clever indie tunes flavoured with a hint of folkiness. Enjoy this performance of the nattily named Every Time I Make a Girl Cry I Know I've Done My Job.

The Great Summer Blockbuster Post

2008-08-15T16:35:00.006+01:00

Greetings all, I apologise for the lengthy absence. Since the end of term I have been doing very little that includes words as I try to distance myself from everything to do with school or learning (writing actual words falling very much into that category).

One way I have been happily wasting my holiday time is catching up on a load of movies I have been meaning to see for ages. So I thought I would burden you with a bumper movie post. For ease of consumption I have divided it into two distinct sections. The first is movies that I hoped would be good. The second is films I watched knowing they would be terrible but that I saw because I find really really bad movies highly entertaining.

Every year during the summer blockbuster season I find that there are movies that I get very excited about as a fully paid up movie nerd. And every year I am, on the whole, disappointed. It is entirely my own fault of course, if I hadn't built up my expectations so high, I wouldn't be disappointed. However, this summer I have been very pleasantly surprised by how many of the big summer films have entirely matched or exceeded my expectations. The four films that immediately spring to mind are Wanted, Dark Knight, Hellboy 2: The Golden Army and Journey to the Centre of the Earth 3D.

If you haven't seen these four fantastic films - you should go right now. Go on, don't bother finishing the rest of the post, just go to the cinema now.......

Go on.....

Dum dee dum...

Right, they're all gone now. Just between us, the first three are brilliant - Journey to the Centre of the Earth 3D is bloody awful...... All joking aside, you really should go and see at least Hellboy - it is fabulous. Imagine the first Hellboy movie crossed with Pan's Labyrinth. Let this trailer whet your appetite.

Section 1
Planet Terror **
Apocalypto ***
Hancock ***
Dark Knight *****
Hot Fuzz *****
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army ****
Superbad **
Doomsday ***

Section 2
War of the Worlds 2 *
Starship Troopers 3 ***
27 Dresses *
Doom: Extended Edition ***
Stargate Continuum ***
Underworld: Evolution *

Phrase of the Day

2008-07-10T20:25:00.003+01:00

Just a brief post to celebrate what was possibly the funniest thing I have ever heard on a training course.

During the course of today's training we were shown a Powerpoint presentation designed to show in schools during National Anti-Bullying Week in November. The theme of this presentation was tackling homophobia in schools. A most admirable aim, I'm sure you will agree and as education professionals our feedback was sought on its suitability.

The lady leading the feedback suggested that it would not be suitable for use with younger students without careful preparation. She suggested that discussions could lead to awkward places. Her exact words were as follows:

"We need to be careful as we could be entering the Arena of Sodomy"

What an intriguing picture that presents......

An arena yesterday......

Movies

Prince Caspian ***
Wanted ****
Untraceable ***

Seething with rage....

2008-07-01T23:12:00.005+01:00

I feel I haven't been angry enough recently on this blog. Just as I felt I've been mellowing and getting soft in my old age, something comes along that makes me properly angry and feeling all energised again. The thing in question occurred tonight while making an exceedingly rare visit to E4 to watch the new Smallville series (its OK, but disappointingly teeny - nowhere near dark enough). I saw a trailer for a new series skulking its vile way on to our airwaves. That programme is Gok's Fashion Fix. Now, just the trailer had me hopping mad. Here's a precis from the Channel 4 website.

"Looking for exclusive access to celebs and their wardrobes? Insider access to top end fashion and the best designers on the block? Trying to achieve 'that' look for less? Well look no further, as the fashion juggernaut that is Gok's Fashion Fix has arrived! "

Long-term readers of Nine Tenths Full of Penguins will know I despise the whole 'fashion' thing(those who have met me in person will also know I am one of the least fashionable people to walk this fair earth).
For some reason that escapes me, normal people queue up to take fashion advice from this man, his coterie of Z-list nobodies and a co-presenter who looks disturbingly like a coat hanger. Just look at him, I want to take that self satisfied smirk and smash it into a wall.

I am sick to death of people on TV and in real-life telling me what to do.

"Wear this, don't wear that, have your hair cut like this, don't have a beard - its soooo 90s" blah, blah, blah......

I don't need anyone's advice or to follow anyone's fashion 'rules'. If I like it, I will wear it - I don't care if its out of date or if it makes me look older than I am. I apply the same rules to the films & TV I watch, the books I read, the computer games I play and the music I listen to.

There seems to be a weakness in some people that doesn't allow them to make their own choices. They will moo contentedly at Heat magazine or Big Brother and allow f***ing idiots like Gok Wan to dictate their wardrobe and lifestyle contents while their brains and free will dribble out of their ears.

By way of example, I was speaking to someone a couple of weeks ago who asked me if I'd been watching Big Brother. I was delighted to be able to say that I haven't watched any of it. They asked me why, in tones that suggested I was clearly criminally insane to have missed a houseful of misfits making toast and bitching about one another for 24 hours every day. When I replied (diplomatically I thought) that it wasn't really my thing; they asked what was on TV that I liked. I thought for a moment and said I was really enjoying Dr Who and Battlestar Galactica. They looked at me with pitying eyes and said "Oh, nerd programmes"

So I brutally beat them about the head with their own copy of Heat....

After which I felt an awful lot better.

I love being considered a nerd by 'trendy' people. I like that I have the freedom to like whatever I want. So here is a list of some of the things I like (some or all of them nerdy), and I don't care if you don't like them. You can sneer all you want. You have my permission.

Battlestar Galactica
Top Gear
Dr Who
Reading actual books
Good movies
Really bad movies
My goatee beard (12 years old and counting!)
Cricket
World of Warcraft
Sigur Ros
Mock the Week repeats on Dave
Comfortable shirts
My games consoles
That I'd rather go to my local with a few mates than go clubbing
Wildlife documentaries
Playing cards or Yahtzee with H
My mad scientist eyebrows and the fact I'm starting to get grey hairs

Yes, feel much better now.....

20/20 Vision

2008-06-13T15:05:00.004+01:00

Cricket is an acquired taste. Luckily, it is one I acquired many years ago. Having recently girded my ethical loins and passed over 30 pieces of silver to Rupert Murdoch for Sky TV, I have been able to once again watch cricket on my telly box

There is, of course, a new fangled form of God's Own Game known as Twenty20. In recent days it has been hailed as the saviour of world cricket in the media. This is mainly because it can take as little as 2-3 hours to play a match instead of 5 days, you can put cheerleaders in the breaks and it doesn't tax the attention span of today's discerning sport fan.

Now I like cheerleaders as much as the next man (or woman - 9/10ths full of penguins is an open-minded blog), however, I have got a bit of a problem with the branding of Twenty20. Its pitched as this high tempo excitement-fest of action with a side helping of power-hitting. I have seen a number of Twenty20 games of the last couple of years and aside from one or two notable exceptions they have been hugely dull affairs.

Take for example the recent game between Kent Spitfires and the Sussex Something or Others, who played out an entirely forgettable match. The problem is that the batting side need to accumulate large amounts of runs very quickly, while the bowling side needs to curtail those runs. This should lead to scintillating strokeplay and aggressive bowling. However, captains will often bowl average spinners and seamers chucking down medium pace dibbly-dobblers because slower bowling is harder to hit to the boundaries. This means that for much of the time you are watching boring medium pacers being hit for 4 or 5 singles every over.

Hmmmmm. Not thrilling in any way. But at least there are cheerleaders.......

Maybe there is something to this Twenty20 lark after all.....

Theatre of Noise 2008 A-Z Part the Second

2008-06-08T14:28:00.005+01:00

Phew. Back now. I do apologise for the delay in bringing you the second part of The Theatre of Noise 2008 A-Z. Here is a link to the first. The first Theatre of Noise podcasts from 2008's Refresh FM Manchester are now available. Find them here, they're full of crunchy goodness and entertaining silliness.

Here is J-Z. If you click on the name of the band it will whisk you to their website (if they have one) and if you click on the song name it should take you to a video of said ditty.

J. SufJan Stevens - John Wayne Gacy Jnr
A slice of customary odd gorgeousness.
K. Nine BlacK Alps - Unsatisfied
I know its a few years old now, but I don't mind hearing from this great Manchester band again
L. The Prayer Chain - Bendy Line
Sadly, a band that effectively ceased to exist in the mid 90s. I was unable to find a video of the magnificent Bendy Line which we played quite a lot, so have a performance of Sky High instead
M. Monarch - Perform
One of my favourite songs of the broadcast - very very sad though...
N. Number One Gun - Wake Me Up
From their new album the North Pole Project.
O. BecOming the Archetype - Epigone
A song intro so loopy, we nabbed a bit of it for the Theatre of Noise jingle.
P. Project 86 - Evil (Chorus of Resistance)
"Eeeeeeeeevvvvviiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllll" Fantastic! Plus the video is hilarious.
R. Beat Rabbi & Deepspace 5 - Deepspace Soul
Yo Yo Yo - and that....
S. Soulsavers - Revival
The video for this wonderful song is well worth a look.
T. Dashboard Confessional - Thick as Thieves
A song so annoyingly catchy that even Jeremy Clarkson would fall for it.
U. FebrUary Remaining - Samson
The lead singer of February Remaining dropped in to see us on the Theatre of Noise. And a jolly nice chap he is.
W. Does it Offend You Yeah? - We Are Rockstars
I first heard this while listening to Fearne Cotton on Radio 1 (don't let that put you off though, its quite good. Really)
X. Secret & Whisper - XOXOXO
A man with either a unnaturally high voice or tight trousers. You decide which...
Z. Neon Horse - Speed KillZ
I couldn't find a video for Speed Killz, so enjoy the equally marvellous Cuckoo.

Movies
The Lives of Others *****
Iron Man ***
In the Name of the King *
Mission to Mars **
Payback ***
Stargate Ark of Truth **
Dragon Wars ****
Indiana Jones: Crystal Skull...
Before last 20 mins ****
Last 20 mins *

RIP Humph.

2008-04-26T14:06:00.003+01:00

I was lucky enough to see the Radio 4 programme I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue live at the Lowry in Salford recently.

Humphrey Lyttleton will be sorely missed.....

Movies/TV
Torchwood Series 2 ****
Cloverfield ***
Golden Compass **

Theatre of Noise 2008 A-Z Part the First

2008-04-14T19:01:00.007+01:00

The Theatre of Noise has closed its radio curtains after a destruction-filled 3 weeks over Easter. This year's broadcast on Refresh FM was bigger and better than ever, encompassing Manchester on FM and the whole world via the netweb.

In my previous ramblings I promised a post dedicated to the music that lurked within the Theatre of Noise's inner reaches. Here it is, (drum roll) the first part of The Theatre of Noise 2008 A-Z. If you click on the name of the band it will whisk you to their website (if they have one) and if you click on the song name it should take you to a video of said ditty.

A. The Afters - Never Going Back to OK

A thoroughly enjoyable toe tapper.

B. Ivoryline - Be Still & Breathe

Slightly retro rock feel, with some properly crunchy guitar-ness.

C. The Choir - Nobody Gets a Smooth Ride

Clicking will take you to a page where you can listen to samples. I've always loved The Choir and I took every chance I could to play stuff from their 2005 album O, How the Mighty Have Fallen.
D. The Dream Pilots - One More Time

I liked it very much, Eyan decided half way through the 3 weeks he didn't. Cue much musical bickering that didn't produce a single reason why he didn't like it. It's slightly derivative, but still rather good.

E. Emery - The Party Song

It was such a shame. Emery have long been a Theatre of Noise favourite. However, their new album, while not bad, is not a patch on their earlier release The Question.

F. Falling Up - The Dark Side of Indoor Track Meets

This sneaked in tacked on to the end of a deeply average album by Falling Up. This song however, is far from average. After a deceptively gentle start it explodes into an epic chorus before fading out Vangelis style.
G. Grey Holiday - Glorious

A bit U2-ish, but fun nontheless.

H. Hawk Nelson - Bring Em Out

A song that divided opinions in the studio everytime we played it. Some people loved it, some people hated it. Its a marmite song.
I. ScroobIus Pip - Letter From God to Man

A magnificently written song that we criminally underplayed over the 3 weeks. The video I've chosen makes the lyrics very easy to follow.

J. onwards will be come in later posts.

We took lots of pictures this year and they will be appearing soon at the slightly unfinished Theatre of Noise website - http://www.theatreofnoise.co.uk/. To whet your appetite here are a couple of said pictures. In this one, resident tool expert Fil the Destroyer prepares to terminate a stack of 11 CDs in perennial show favourite, the Chainsaw Challenge.

Here, Fil & I play cricket with McFly's Greatest Hits album. It didn't last as long as a normal cricket ball would, but it did shatter most satisfyingly.

Movies
Ratatouille *****
Come & See ****
Battlestar Galactica:Razor *****
Alien Vs Predator:Requiem. Unrated version *
No Country for Old Men *****
So so so good - if you haven't seen the latest Coen Brothers film, you really must. I doubt you will see a better film all year

Adventures in Radio 2008 Vol 1

2008-03-24T00:13:00.006Z

I am more excited than a bucket of monkeys running over a bagful of hamsters at the moment.

(Thats quite excited...)

I am currently one week into a three week radio adventure with Refresh FM in Manchester. Along with long-term radio comrade Eyan, I am presenting the Theatre of Noise 9-11pm every week night till the 4th April. If you live in Manchester you can apply your ears to 87.7FM. Everywhere else on the planet you can stream the madness live here.

The Theatre of Noise has a website - which you should tentatively inspect. http://www.theatreofnoise.co.uk/. I have found lots of terribly exciting music that I will dedicate a post to in the near future.

As I am currently on my Easter break (sometimes working in a school is marvellous!) I have been attempting to catch up on movies I've bought, but haven't had time to watch yet, so...

The Transporter 2 **

Superman Returns ****

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer ***

The Devil's Backbone ****

The Lives of Others *****

Zodiac ****

Planet of the Apes (1968) ****

Planet of the Apes (2001) *

"You're a very nice tall man..."

2008-03-08T08:35:00.005Z

Now I don't really talk about religion that much on this here blog, mainly because it bores most people to tears. But as an RE teacher and a (reasonably sane) Christian, I do have significant interest in that particular topic area. I was reading sarahcontrary's moving thoughts on her faith today (click here to go there) and it made me think about how people explore and communicate what they believe. However, not everyone does that in a positive way.

Sometimes you come across people so vile that you feel genuinely replused by them and by their beliefs. Fred Phelps and his cronies at the Westboro Baptist Church (you may find their site distasteful) in the US are just such people. You may have seen them on TV waving their 'God hates fags' and 'God hates cripple soldiers' banners around at funerals. They hate everyone; gay people, Jews, the Irish, Sweden(!) and many many others with such a frightening passion that it makes me deeply ashamed that I apply the same basic label of 'Christian' to myself.

However, Phelps would also hate me as the only people he doesn't hate are the 100 odd people who go to his church (intriguingly, most of whom are related to him by blood or marriage). These happy few are the only people going to heaven apparently.

As with any self-important, petty minded bigot; the best way to bring them down a peg or nine is not to engage in sensible argument with them. It has even been suggested by some of Phelp's estranged children, who have sensibly left their father's church, that Westboro exists solely to feed Phelp's addiction to hatred. Below is a video of Fred Phelp's Jnr being interviewed. The Australian interviewer take a novel approach to tackling the big questions....

"You're a very nice tall man..." Genius!

God bless that interviewer (in the proper sense of the word). If Phelps and his ilk make me ashamed to be a Christian sometimes, the reporter makes me feel proud to be a human being.

A musing on movies

2008-02-14T10:42:00.009Z

Is this man a criminal?
If you see his latest movie, National Treasure:Book of Secrets, you will probably think so. Any money spent seeing it is definitely daylight robbery.

I went to the cinema the other day with a friend and due to the vagaries of half-term cinema times we were stuck with a choice of National Treasure or a 3 hour wait till Cloverfield. So we took a deep breath, set our expectations to sub Men in Black 2 levels and took the plunge.

As the trailers rolled I reflected on the cast. As Nicholas Cage has been frankly dreadful in just about everything since Raising Arizona I didn't hope for much from him. However, there are some quality actors here - Helen Mirren, Ed Harris, Harvey Keitel & Jon Voight. This gave me hope for gleaning some enjoyment out of the film.

These hopes were rapidly dashed. I don't believe I have EVER seen a film as bad as National Treasure: Book of Secrets at the cinema. It was so bad that it has replaced Men in Black 2 as officially the worst film I've ever paid to see at the cinema. Admittedly, you don't expect gritty realism in a popcorn-muncher like this, but still this film stretched the boundaries. On three occasions Cage and his moronic sidekicks were required to get themselves out of plot dead ends by doing the most ridiculous things. Firstly, breaking into Buckingham Palace to get a look at the Queen's Resolute Desk(which incidentally appeared to be an 18th century Rubiks cube). Then they had to break into the Oval Office to sneak a look at the President's desk and finally and most inconceivably they had to kidnap the President to get a look at his 'Secret President's Book' (I'm really not kidding).

I have rarely seen a film that treats its viewers with such brazen contempt. It wasn't even 'so bad its good'. I suppose that none of this should come as a surprise when you look at the names of the screenwriters.The Wibberleys? No wonder its awful. It appears to have been written by Australian children's TV presenter rejects. Anyhoo, have a trailer for the upcoming Hellboy 2. Its a film which I'm very much looking forward to, particularly as director Guillermo del Toro has brought his Pan's Labyrinth box of monster tricks to the party..

Movies
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (no stars) first film to ever receive no stars.
Hitman ***
Charlie Wilson's War ****
Tom Hanks really should be Oscar nominated for his role in this...
Curse of the Broken Flower ****

What is music for?

2008-01-21T16:32:00.000Z

I have been thinking about music quite a lot recently. I've been inspired by posts at Cultural Snow and My Nut Free Life to think about what music is for.

I was talking to someone other day and they couldn't understand why I dislike so called 'dinner party music'. You see, I hate bland music, I almost prefer something to be terrible than just shoulder-shruggingly OK. At the very least music that is genuinely awful ilicits some sort of response from you.

The whole conversation got me thinking about the moments in my life when a song or a piece of music has grabbed me and forced me to pay attention. They are extraordinary moments that only ever happen once when you listen to that song. Every time you listen to it again, you know what is coming and no matter how arresting it is, it will never have the impact of that first moment.

It may well be pleasant to hear James Taylor, Norah Jones, Damien Rice et al burbling competently quietly in the background but they will never have the impact of the truly great. Great music refuses to stay in the background, it demands your attention. They are musical moments that make you realise what music is for. Moments that I look back on with a bit of sadness because the exact way I was feeling would never be repeated.

When I think about my moments I remember hearing Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit. and Radiohead's Let Down for the first time. Mahler's Tenth Symphony, Bob Marley's Redemption Song and the sheer swagger of Rock'n'Roll Star by Oasis all had a great impact on me.

To illustrate what I mean, here is a more recent song that just blew me away the first time I heard it. This is Glosoli by Sigur Ros. Sigur Ros can be something of an acquired taste with their ethereal meoldies and lead singer Jónsi’s falsetto voice. However, it is a taste well worth acquiring as this extraordinary song demonstrates. I would encourage you to listen to it first before you read what I've written underneath the video.

The song starts quietly and gradually builds and builds before exploding at 4.41 (thats the moment!) into a wall of sound with tumultuous guitars and the skirling falsetto soaring over the top. When I heard that for the first time, it sent almighty tingles down my spine and it may sound ridiculous, but it made me feel 3 foot taller.

In the end, I think that is what music is for. It should make you feel. It should make you feel happy, sad, angry, peaceful or any number of other feelings or emotions. The best music changes how we feel, everything else is just aural wallpaper...

Quiz like its 2008

2008-01-10T22:15:00.000Z

Last night saw the resumption of my monthly pub quiz in a shiny new venue in East Didsbury. To see posts relating to previous quiz shenanigans click here.

If you are exceptionally lucky, my fellow quizmaster Eyan may post his questions on his blog at some point. I treated a selection of South Manchester's finest to two epic rounds of questioning that are presented below for your edufication.

1) How many stomachs does a cow have?
2) Where on a horse do you find its poll?
3) What is the only bird that is capable of seeing the colour blue?
4) The following adjectives refer to which animals?
a) Vulpine b) Hippocampine c) Chelonian
5) How many claws does a house cat have?
6) What is the name for a group of goldfish? A troubling, a dole or a bloat?
7) How many legs does a lobster have?
8) Which insects account for most human deaths?
9) Who recorded an early description of a reindeer in the 1st Century BC?
10) Why are penguins black and white?

The answers to the following questions each contain the model of a car - past or present
1) What is the only sport where left-handed play is banned?
2) Which one word describes a book title by Frederick Forsyth, a class of British escort carrier and a role played by Diana Rigg in the 1960s?
3) Former Big Brother contestant Jade Goody believed which area of the UK was abroad?
4) What is the word used to describe narrowed attention on a specific thing?
5) Gracie Fields owned a villa on which island?
6) What is the musical term for “quick or lively”?
7) Which one word describes a Yorkshire TV documentary series of the 1970s, a space shuttle, and a number one album by ELO?
8) What name is specifically given to a Mediterranean wind that comes from the Sahara and reaches hurricane speeds in North Africa and Southern Europe?
9) In rowing, what is the name of the short-sleeved T-shirt with a front opening, where the opening and sleeve ends are trimmed in the colours of the club?
10) Which animal has varieties called trapdoor, yellow sac, and chinese bird?

Answers sometimes next week. Oh, by the way, for every answer you google a fairy will die....

* Update - Answers are now in the comments

Movies
I Am Legend ***
The Holiday ***
Night Watch *****
Jason & The Argonauts ****
Star Trek:First Contact ***
Notting Hill **
Heima *****

Biggest Movies of 2007

2008-01-05T00:08:00.000Z

Permit me to blow my own trumpet for a moment.

Paaaaaarrrrrpppppp *

Thank you.

Now, I have excellent taste in movies, so I'd like to run through the top ten grossing movies of 2007 with you. As usual I will give a star rating for each one, do let me know if you disagree...

1. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (£49,420,484) ****
Possibly the best of the Potter movies so far with the acting of the young leads improving, a much darker tone and a spectacular duelling sequence between the Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eaters.
2. Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World's End (£42,237,960) **
Flabby dross with very few redeeming qualities at all.
3. Shrek the Third (£38,620,659) **
Forgetting everything that made the first two Shrek movies watchable.
4. The Simpsons Movie (£38,544,114) ***
Some very funny gags - sadly not the masterpiece we were all hoping for.
5. Spider-Man 3 (£33,547,946) *
Indescribably awful in just about every way
6. Ratatouille (£24,716,887) ****
Pixar strikes gold one more time. The dud that was Cars fades away...
7. The Bourne Ultimatum (£23,703,150) *****
Best action film for ages - The setpieces in Waterloo station and over the rooftops and houses on Tangiers were nothing short of breathtaking.
8. Transformers (£22,863,864) ***
Big and very dumb fun
9. Mr Bean's Holiday (£22,142,332) *
Don't even go there......
10. Hot Fuzz (£21,005,064) *****
My film of the year. Hands down

It depresses me greatly that most of the films on that list are either crushingly predictable or utterly dreadful. There were some superb films released this year that were totally ignored by people scurrying to see the latest Shrek film. And in what sane world does the funniest film of the year come one place behind the inexplicably popular Mr Bean's Holiday? Where does that get fun?

I think I can see the problem. People like to go for things that are familiar (I am the same), and frankly, the cost of the cinema is so extortionate that people aren't that willing to take risks on movies anymore. It means that magnificent oddities like Daywatch for example, are shown in cinemas for one or two weeks at best. While tripe like Mr Bean or Pirates are shown for months on end. This leaves no room for word of mouth growth. By the time I have seen a really good movie and let people know about it, its already out of the cinemas.

I just wish that cinema chains would charge less for the offbeat or arty films. They can continue charging outrageous sums for the big blockbusters, people will still lap them up regardless (and I count myself in that number). However, if I could go and see something quirky and off the beaten track for a few quid instead of paying on the unpleasant side of £6, I'd be in the cinema much more often, which surely only benefits the business side of things.

* I know trumpets don't make this noise. I am open to suggestions at how I should represent the sound of a trumpet in text form.

2007

2008-01-02T12:13:00.001Z

Around this time last year, I subjected the t'interweb to my 2006 review of the year. In the interests of symmetry (I like that word so much, I'd like you to read more about it here), I thought I should do something similar for 2007.

Best Moment
2007 has been a surprisingly good year so there have been many moments to choose from. Completing my PGCE and getting a job in a school and my radio shows on Refresh FM at Easter were both great. However, the winner is this year's Greenbelt festival. This year's festival was probably the best I've been to. The weather was magnificent, the atmosphere was amazing and I had a great time working for the festival radio station Greenbelt FM. The single best moment (in a pure ego trip stylee) was taking part in a live radio show at the YMCA venue whereby myself and radio partner in crime Fat Roland were given license to unleash our Theatre of Noise games Chainsaw Challenge and Sackcloth & Bashes on an unsuspecting Greenbelt. Much hilarity and destruction ensued.

Best Film
There was some great movies this year - some very worthy, some guilty pleasures. In the end, the brilliance and sheer rewatchability of Hot Fuzz gets my vote. Honourable mentions also go to the beautifully shot Sunshine, the fascinating Zodiac, the thrilling Bourne Ultimatum, the brutal 28 Weeks Later and the frankly bonkers Daywatch.

Worst Film
The excreble Spiderman 3. Read my thoughts at the time here.

Best TV
Top Gear & Spooks became unmissable TV for me this year. Top Gear made me laugh like a drain - even though I can't stand Jeremy Clarkson. Spooks was a thrillingly entertaining and slick creation. This year's Dr Who series was a bit hit and miss. When it was wrong (human daleks? come on) it was pretty poor, but when it was right it was glorious (Weeping Angels? Even I found them rather unnerving).

Worst TV
The moment it was announced that Catherine Am-I-Bovvered Tate would be in the whole of the next Dr Who series.

Best Album
Mae - Singularity

Best Book
Even though it was written in 1954, I have only just read it this year. Richard Matheson's I Am Legend is brilliant. Forget the Will Smith film, the book is much darker, much bleaker and much more unnerving. I also liked 2004's The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafón, mainly due to the sparkling dialogue between Daniel and Fermin, which is a joy to read.

Best Penguin related story of 2007
This marvellous story about Roxy the Rockhopper penguin who turned to the t'interweb to find love. Read it here.

Blogs of the Year
Here are my five favourite blogs of the year in no particular order with links to their latest posts.
Fat Roland - the surreal ramblings of a proper gentleman.
Quinquireme - The erudite Patroclus was considering laying her blog to rest. The t'interweb breathed a sigh of relief when she was convinced otherwise.
Postsecret - PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It can be funny, disturbing, uplifting and sometimes heartbreaking.
The Manchizzle - an essential Manchester blogging hub....
Cultural Snow - A blog that wears its brain openly on its sleeve.

Also worth a mention are Midnight Candle & Blue Cat.

Here's to 2008 - Happy New Year!

Has 2007 been 9/10ths Full of Penguins?

2008-01-01T15:58:00.000Z

Out of 365 days of 2007 I blogged on 72 occasions.

So no.

Tis the season to be jolly.....

2007-12-23T23:27:00.000Z

Just a quick post to wish my reader a Happy Christmas. I know, I could have sent a card, but frankly I was too stingy to buy a stamp.

I like Christmas, but one of the things that annoys me about the festive period is the forced jollity and bonhomie that oozes around for all of December. I combat this by acting like a miserable bugger, while inside I'm hopping up and down excitedly about opening presents. However, there are some things that can crack my Scrooge-ish facade.

In lieu of a Nine Tenths Full of Penguins Christmas gift, I give you Eddie Izzard talking in his own inimitable fashion about the first Christmas.

There are a couple of swear words in there, so be warned....

Wishing you a Happy Christmas (or insert faith-neutral good wishes here).

*Update
Right thats it! I am no longer myself. I have got old and soft. I found myself watching the first Santa Clause movie today. 'Whats so bad about that?' I hear you cry, well wait for the kicker. I quite enjoyed it......

I feel wrong. Just wrong. I think I'm going to crawl into a whiskey bottle for the remainder of my Christmas break. I'm just ashamed. Oh well, at least my Pandora Radio station is good, that offsets the shame somewhat.

In which I get all misty-eyed about Sigur Ros

2007-12-19T22:42:00.000Z

I don't normally do internet/blog meme things, but this one (courtesy of the ever excellent Patroclus) caught my attention.

It is the great Wikipedia Band Name Meme....

Here's how you play. Click here to be whisked to Wikipedia and then click on 'random article' on the left side of the page, the title of the first article is your band name. Then click it again, that will be the name of your album . Then click 'random article' a further 7-10 times, and those titles are your album track names.

Here is mine:

Band Name: Fjalar

Album Name: 4th Infantry Division

Track Titles

1: Democratic Republic of the Congo

2: Fours

3: VYRE

4: Cingulate Sulcus

5: Sohni Lag Di

6: Kora Kagaz

7: Reactivity Series

8: Clinchfield

9: Varfell

10: Transcendental

I think it brings to mind a band clinging desperately on the coat-tails of Sigur Ros. Fjalar are a band with hints of political activism and delusions of grandeur. I like them already....

While I'm thinking of Sigur Ros, I'd just like to mention their new DVD Heima. It is utterly stunning. Sigur Ros are an Icelandic band that specialise in making beautifully ethereal music that is quite unlike anything else. They released a documentary following them as they toured round Iceland promoting their last album Takk. Heima has the documentary as well as a second disc full of concert performances. The main documentary has footage of the band playing at a variety of rather offbeat locations in Iceland.

If you get chance, you MUST see this on a big screen with good quality sound. There are some moments where the combination of the Icelandic scenery and the wonderful music is so staggeringly beautiful that I found myself getting a lump in my throat and actually felt that I might shed a tear or two.

Movies
The Departed *****
Cliffhanger **
V for Vendetta ****

Bah Humbug...

2007-12-14T21:04:00.001Z

This year I'm feeling resolutely un-festive so far. I'm not actively scrooge-ish, but I'm failing to feel the cheer of the season as yet.

In an attempt to kick-start some yuletide goodwill I offer you this marvellous little ditty/video by the wonderful Sufjan Stevens.

Ah thats a bit better......bring on the mince pies.

I decided on a bit of a colour scheme change to go with the switch to www.ninetenthsfullofpenguins.co.uk. Do let me know what you think.

Misunderstandings

2007-12-10T18:49:00.000Z

Before I crack on with this post I just need to do a bit of housekeeping.

The url of this blog is now http://www.ninetenthsfullofpenguins.co.uk/. Of course, you'll still be able to get to it via the blogspot address, its just that this one is a bit more streamlined. Why not bookmark it now?

On to business. I spent the weekend in a very grey and sodden Birmingham, a place that has on every occasion I have visited it, treated me to lots of rain. So it was that I pitched up at Birmingham New Street train station at about 6pm on Friday evening. As I was a little earlier than expected, I needed to wait outside the station for a while.

I bought myself a rather large coffee in a cardboard beaker the size of a small tanker and plonked myself outside the station to wait. I had come directly from work in Manchester, so I was still wearing a shirt and tie and my smart black coat. As I was sitting on my bag, reading a book (the excellent Naming of the Dead by Ian Rankin incidentally), my open coffee steaming enticingly by my side, deflecting panhandlers with aplomb; something unexpected happened.

Engrossed in a particularly gripping chapter, I almost failed to respond when a smartly dressed gentlemen bent down and calmly deposited 20p in my coffee cup, which was still half full. He generously said something along the lines of "Here you go mate" before moving off. I was rather taken aback and all I could respond with was "Ermmmmm" in my best teacher voice. On hearing this, our Good Samaritan turned back and looked at me properly, horror dawning in his eyes as he realised what he'd just done.

He scurried back apologising so profusely and with such embarrassment on his face that I couldn't help bursting into laughter. After a few minutes conversation he went on his way with a face like a belisha beacon, but with the knowledge that he'd given me the best laugh I've had in ages.

Incidentally, while I'm talking about coffee; I visited a Costa Coffee in Solihull (kicking weekend eh?) and foolishly ordered a large black coffee. I was expecting a large black coffee, what I received was this two handled soup bowl containing over a pint of black liquid.

Movies
Hot Fuzz ****
Kingdom of Heaven ***
Munich ****
Ghostbusters *****
Beowulf 3D ***
I really enjoyed this at the cinema, mainly due to it being in utterly stunning 3D. However, be warned on two counts. Firstly, if you do watch it in 3D, expect a splitting headache when you come out. Secondly, its certified 12A which means in theory, you could take young children to it. Whatever you do, don't do that. Its considerably more adult than 12A would lead you to believe. Definitely worth a watch in 3D though....

Life imitating art

2007-12-04T22:11:00.000Z

George Bush has never been a man to let facts get in the way of, well, anything.

Monday saw the release of a report by his own intelligence agencies that essentially said that Iran was not building nuclear weapons. Did the conclusion of this report that brought together the collective expertise and knowledge of the 16 branches of US intelligence signal a reduction in Bush's vehement rhetoric against Iran?

Of course not. Here's a quote from one of the candidates vying for Bush's position come the elections next year. Democrat Senator Barack Obama:

"Bush will not let facts get in the way of his ideology... and that's been the problem with their [the Republicans] foreign policy generally."

It seems that Bush and his advisors have got their (black) hearts set on another war before the reins of power are prised out of his hands in 2008. And it seems even his own intelligence agencies won't stand in his way....

Read the story here.

It scares me that the Iran-US storyline in Spooks at the moment is increasingly seeming less inconceivable by the week.

Movies
Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix ****

Serenity ****

28 Weeks Later ****

Pans Labyrinth *****

Fight Club *****

Celebrating 100 Posts with a New Feature

2007-11-28T21:19:00.000Z

Nine Tenths Full of Penguins is 100 posts young today! Break out the balloons, party poppers, jelly & ice cream...

I've been thinking quite a lot about music recently as I have received many gratifyingly positive comments about my Pandora station (Quite Early Music, which can be heard here) since I blogged about it last week.

One of the benefits of owning an MP3 player of frankly ridiculous capacity is that I am able to have thousands of songs on there at any one time. I often choose to listen to them all on random, which can throw up some wonderful combinations of tunes. So I've decided to record some of these on this here blog.

This is how it will work:

Step 1: I will set the player to random

Step 2: I will record the first 10 songs that present themselves

Now I will make a deal with you. I will record all ten (including any of the embarrassing ones that lurk in the nether regions)if you promise not to laugh too loudly.....

Here are the first ten:

1) Manic Street Preachers - Removeables

2) Linkin Park - Points of Authority

3) Jonezetta - Popularity

4) Arcade Fire - Antichrist Television Blues

5) Further Seems Forever - Bleed

6) Derek Webb - Rich Young Ruler

7) Anberlin - Audrey, Start the Revolution!

8) Def Leppard - Hysteria

9) Levellers - Haven't Made It

10) Muse - Map of Your Head

I will leave you to judge which, if any, I am slightly embarrassed about....

Sadly, not my CD collection

Pandora's Box

2007-11-24T17:31:00.000Z

I have been cruelly severed from my interweb for about 2 weeks, so I apologise for my enforced absence.

Since returning to the information superhighway I have been reacquainting myself with Pandora. If you are unfamilar with Pandora, it is a website that creates a personalized radio station based on music you have selected. You choose a selection of your favourite bands and then a fiendish music monkey on the other side of the world selects songs that it believes you might like.

So far so Web 2.0. For the most part it works really well and I've discovered loads of new bands through Pandora. However, there is a fly in the ointment. Every now and then, the music monkey decides to arbitrarily subject me to lots of dreadful europop dance music. I have no idea why it thinks this. Unless it has taken my admiration for certain artists and thought "Hmmm, he likes Theivery Corporation who are electronica and Sigur Ros who are European - ergo he must like 2Unlimited" (I'm not kidding, it played No Limits, for the love of all that is holy).

Anyway, if you'd like to hear whats in my ears, go to Pandora and search out a station called Quite Early Music.

#Say Anything, But Say What You Mean...#

2007-11-06T00:08:00.001Z

A random fan video to a great song by Mae. Here is the official music video version. I think I like the random one a wee bit more.

Look at their website here: http://www.whatismae.com/default.aspx